我找到了那些小时候霸凌我的女孩,这些是她们想对我说的
2021-03-10 mak447 18117
正文翻译

If you were bullied or excluded as a child or adolescent, it might not surprise you to learn that studies have shown how peer victimization can have long-term effects. That’s certainly been the case for me.

如果你在童年或青少年时期被欺负或排斥,那么当你得知,研究表明童年受到的创伤会产生长期的影响时,你可能不会感到惊讶。这对我来说的确是如此。

For decades, I’ve struggled with low-grade depression, anxiety and feelings of inadequacy and underachievement that have persisted despite years of therapy.

几十年来,我一直在与低度抑郁、焦虑、失落感作斗争,尽管经过多年的治疗,这些情绪仍然存在。

I won’t argue that my mental health issues stem only from the bullying I encountered in school, but those experiences ― and my lifelong shyness, hypersensitivity and self-consciousness, which made me a perfect target for bullying and exclusion ― have had a lasting effect on me.

我不会说我的心理健康问题仅源于我在学校遇到的欺凌,但是这些经历--我一直以来的羞怯感,敏感情绪和内向情绪,使得我成为欺凌和排斥的理想对象--这些都持续地对我产生影响。

One day in 2019 while I was procrastinating at work, I started thinking about a girl who had rejected me in 7th grade. The rejection still stung whenever I thought about it. I wondered if she remembered how she ended our friendship and if she had any regrets.

2019年的一天,当我在工作上拖沓的时候,我想起了一个7年级时排斥我的女孩。每当我想到这件事,这种排斥仍然刺痛着我。我想知道她是否记得她是如何结束我们的友谊的,她是否有感到任何歉意。

Suddenly, I had an idea. Why not interview my former classmates from middle and high school — not only the people who bullied me, but all of my female peers, including the bullies, the bullied and those who seemed to be neither — about their experiences with the social scene when we were growing up in our Westchester, New York town? It seemed like such a good idea that I brushed aside the discomfort I felt about contacting people who, in some cases, I hadn’t spoken to in 40 years!

突然间,我有了一个主意。为什么不采访下我以前的初中、高中同学--不仅是欺负我的人,还有我所有的女同龄人,包括欺负我的人、其他被欺负的人和那些似乎都不是的人--谈谈我们童年在纽约韦斯特切斯特镇长大时的经历?这似乎是一个很好的主意,以至于我撇开了与那些人联系的不适感,在某种意义上说,我已经40年没有和他们说过话了!

Thanks to social media, it was easy to find many of my former classmates. I began sending messages to them describing my project and I asked them if they would be willing to participate. Many of the women I contacted responded immediately. While some claimed they didn’t remember much about those years, others were enthusiastic and told me they had a lot to share.

多亏了社交媒体,我很容易就找到了很多以前的同学。我开始给她们发信息,描述我的计划,我问她们是否愿意参加。我联系的许多女生都立即做出了回应。虽然有些人声称她们对那段岁月没有太多记忆,但其他人却很热情,告诉我她们有很多东西可以分享。

So far, I have interviewed nearly 30 people, and I’m hoping to interview many more.

到目前为止,我已经采访了近30人,我希望能采访到更多的人。

Sometimes individuals bully others because someone is bullying them. That was certainly the case with one former classmate I contacted who had relentlessly tormented me during middle school.

有时候一个人欺负别人,可能是因为有人在欺负她们。我接触的一位以前的同学肯定是这样,她在初中时曾无情地捉弄过我。

At first, she was reluctant to talk to me. She ignored my initial Facebook message but when I followed up, she wrote back, “Simone, hope all is well with you. It’s a little hard for me to participate in this. I was not always nice to you. I am so sorry for that.”

刚开始,她不愿意和我对话。她没有理会我发的Facebook消息,但当我再次跟进时,她回信说:"西门,希望你一切都好。对我来说,参与这件事有点困难。我一直对你很不好。我很抱歉。"
原创翻译:龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


I responded and reassured her that I was interviewing all of the women in our class and not singling her out. A few minutes later, I was stunned to find my telephone ringing. It was my former bully.

我答应了一声,并安慰她说,我是在采访我们班所有的女生,并不是单单针对她。几分钟后,我惊讶地发现我的电话响了。是她打来的。

“I’m so sorry,” she said repeatedly during our call. “I swear I’m not a bad person. I think about what I did to you all the time. I don’t know why I chose you. I had a miserable home life.”

"我很抱歉。"在我们的通话中,她反复说。"我发誓我不是一个坏人。我一直在回想我对你的所作所为。我不知道自己为什么会选择你。我有一个糟糕的家庭。"

She revealed some of the trauma she’d been through and, though I might have guessed that my classmate came from a troubled background, hearing it from her own lips made all the difference. I was finally able to forgive her, and (I hope) to help her to forgive herself.

她透露了她经历过的一些创伤,虽然我可能猜到我的同学有着一个充满麻烦的背景,但从她自己的嘴里听到这一切还是有很大的不同。我终于能够原谅她了,并且(我希望)帮助她原谅她自己。
原创翻译:龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


I was surprised to learn that many of the “popular” girls paid a steep price for maintaining their social standing. As one former cheerleader told me, the girls in her clique were so mean to each other that she grew up distrusting other women. “I didn’t have a real female friend until I was 43,” she told me.

我惊奇地发现,许多 "受欢迎 "的女孩为保持自己的社会地位付出了高昂的代价。正如一位前拉拉队员告诉我的那样,她所在的小圈子里的女孩们彼此之间都很刻薄,以至于她从小就不信任其他女性。她告诉我,"我直到43岁才有一个真正的女性朋友"。

Another woman — whom I had also considered popular, smart and beautiful — learned early on that “loneliness was bad and I’d have to sacrifice to have friends.” She shared a story about being part of a group that excluded a classmate in 7th grade.

另一位女士——我曾经认为她很受欢迎,她既聪明又美丽——她很早就学到“孤独是不好的,我为你交到朋友,不得不做出牺牲。”她分享了一个故事,是她自己在七年级时排斥以为她们团体中的一位同学。

“I was culpable and I think I immediately and forever thought that was my personal weakness. It was cruel ... I still feel guilty all these years later.” Subsequently, that woman called the excluded group member to apologize for hurting her. She later told me that the interaction brought great relief to both of them.

"我是罪魁祸首,我以为我将永远无法正视我的这个弱点。这很残酷,这么多年过去了,我仍然感到内疚。" 随后,那名女子给被排斥的那位同学打了电话,为伤害她的行为道歉。她后来告诉我,这次互动给她们两人带来了极大的安慰。

I spoke with about five women who were extremely athletic during their middle and high school years. All of them said that their athleticism served as a protective factor when it came to managing the social pressures of childhood and adolescence.

我采访了五位在初中、高中时期非常喜欢运动的女士。她们都说,在应对童年和青春期的社交压力时,她们的运动能力对她们起到了保护作用。

Being good at sports made them feel confident and broke down barriers between the cliques that existed at school since they played on teams with members of various friend groups.

善长运动使她们感到自信,并打破了学校里的小团体之间的壁垒,因为她们与各种朋友团体的成员一起组队比赛。

As one woman who transferred to our school in 9th grade told me, “I think because I was a swimmer, I had a certain amount of confidence. I had a recognition of my abilities and it gave me credibility and people didn’t pick on me.”

正如一位九年级转入我校的女生告诉我的那样:"我想因为我擅长游泳,我有一定的自信。我的能力得到了认可,这给了我一定的信誉度,人们也不会找我茬"。
原创翻译:龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


Another athlete shared a touching story about being a team captain in gym class. She recalled how, when picking teams, one girl in our grade was always chosen last. “One day, I don’t know why — I decided to pick [that girl] first. When I look back I can still see the smile on her face. It changed me that day. It made me realize that winning wasn’t the most important.”

另一位运动员分享了一个在体育课上担任队长的感人故事。她回忆说,在挑选队伍时,我们年级的一个女生总是被选在最后。"有一天,我不知道为什么--我决定先选那个女孩。当我回想起来,我仍然可以看到她脸上的笑容。那天,它改变了我。它让我意识到,胜利不是最重要的。"

My conversations with some of my classmates confirmed that many of the girls who appeared to have their lives together ― and even be thriving ― struggled just like the rest of us.

我与一些同学的交谈中证实,许多和她们一样,生活在一起的女孩——甚至看起来积极向上的女孩——也曾像我们一样艰难。

“I always felt like an outcast, like a little brown mouse,” said one woman who I thought was one of the prettiest, most athletic and well-liked in our class. “I’ll never forget the 7th grade dance. I was really excited about my outfit,” she told me.

"我总觉得自己是个被抛弃的人,就像一只小棕鼠。"一个我认为是我们班上最漂亮、体育最棒、人缘最好的女生说。"我永远不会忘记七年级的舞会。她告诉我,"那时我对自己的衣服很满意。

“I remember walking in and seeing this group of girls looking me up and down and giggling. It seemed like the whole dance stopped and I realized how mismatched I was. I thought, I am really out of touch; I am really uncool. I went to the bathroom and cried. Then I called my mother and she came and picked me up. To this day, I still feel like I can’t put clothes together.”

"我记得我走进去的时候,看到那群女孩咯咯笑着,上下打量着我。我感到整个舞蹈都停了下来,我才意识到自己的穿搭这么不协调。我想,我真的out了,我无法使自己冷静下来,跑去卫生间哭了。然后我给妈妈打电话,她来接走了我。直到现在,我还觉得自己不会穿衣服。"

It was challenging to locate some of the women who were the victims of the most severe bullying. I assumed many didn’t want to be found and had chosen to leave their childhoods and adolescences far behind and never look back. However, I did manage to track down a few.

要找到一些遭受最严重欺凌的女生,是一件很困难的事。我以为许多人不想被找到,选择将自己的童年和青春远远地抛在脑后,不想再回忆这些。然而,我确实设法找到了一些人。

One woman told me, “I hated my school experience and experienced intense bullying ... It wasn’t until I reached high school that I located a community of people, and it was my perception that we were considered the ‘hippies’ and we carried a sort of stigma related to that.”

一位女士告诉我:“我讨厌自己的学校经历,遭受了严重的霸凌……直到我上高中时,我才找到了一个接纳我的团体,我们被称为'嬉皮士',然后我们背负了与此有关的污名。”

Another woman recalled being bullied at various times throughout elementary and middle school. “My mother told me to ‘turn the other cheek,’ but that didn’t work,” she said. “I had no way to stand up for myself, and at that age, kids don’t stand up for each other.”

另一位女士回忆说,在整个小学和中学期间,她曾多次被人欺负。"我的母亲告诉我'转过脸去',但这并不奏效,"她说。"我没有办法为自己出头,在那个年龄,孩子们不会为别人出头。
原创翻译:龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


In 9th grade, she dropped out of school and ran away, eventually ending up in a private school where the bullying was even worse. In a third school, she said, “. I became a bully and I would kick them with my clogs. I got suspended and I remember thinking, Now I’m the strong one.”

九年级时,她辍学出走,最终进入一所私立学校,那里的欺凌更严重。她说“然而到了在第三所学校,我成了一个霸凌者,我会用我的木屐踢他们。我被停学了,我记得当时我在想,现在我才是强者"。
原创翻译:龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


As I continued my project and began to process what I was learning, I unexpectedly found myself reflecting on my own behavior during those years. I realized there were times when I chose to feel like a victim. I know there were classmates who admired my musical talent, who thought I was pretty and kind, but in some instances, I was too preoccupied with my own victimhood to recognize their affection.

当我继续我的计划并开始处理我刚学到的东西时,我意外地发现自己反思了自己当年的行为。我意识到有的时候我过于执着于自己霸凌受害者的身份。我慢慢知道了有一些同学很欣赏我的音乐天赋,他们觉得我很漂亮,很善良,但在某些情况下,我太专注于自己的被霸凌这件事,而没有认识到其他人对我的感情。

I was also forced to admit that I wasn’t always kind to others. While I do not believe that I ever overtly bullied anyone, I certainly gossiped about others and shunned classmates who I worried might threaten my own tenuous social status.

我也不得不承认,我对别人也不怎么好。虽然我不相信我曾经公然欺负过任何人,但我肯定说过别人的闲话,对那些我担心会威胁到自己脆弱的地位的同学避而远之。

This was crystallized for me when a couple of women I interviewed mentioned that they felt “invisible” in school. “I wasn’t bullied, I just felt pushed aside like I didn’t belong here or there,” one woman told me. “It was just a feeling of being unwanted.” Hearing this made me regret not reaching out to her and others when I had the chance.

当我采访的几位女士提到她们在学校里感到 "被忽视 "时,我就明白了这一点。"我没有被欺负,我只是觉得被推到一边,就像我不属于这里或那里一样,"一位女士告诉我。"这只是一种被不需要的感觉。" 听到这句话,我很后悔在有机会的时候没有和她和其他人主动接触。

I was gratified by almost every conversation I had with my former peers. While some of my impressions were validated, I found that others were completely off base.

我对与我以前的同学的几乎每一次谈话都感到满意。虽然我的一些印象得到了证实,但我发现有些人完全错了。

Being able to zoom out and get some perspective after all of these years underscored that we can never really know what’s going on in other people’s lives. And, though I may have been hurt by some of these people, learning about what they were experiencing has pushed me to be less judgmental about others.

这么多年来我们一直强调,我们永远不可能真正知道别人的生活中发生了什么。而且,虽然我可能被其中一些人伤害过,但了解了他们的经历后,让我减少了对他人的妄下论断。

This project has finally given me the opportunity to forgive the women who rejected and tormented me. After decades of hurt and resentment, I now see them as they were — young girls experiencing their own trials and tribulations, some common to many of us, others more painful than I can imagine.

这个计划终于让我有机会原谅那些排斥和捉弄我的女生。在经历了几十年的伤害和怨恨之后,我现在看到了她们的本来面目——年轻的女孩正在经历她们自己的磨难,有些是我们许多人共同经历的,有些则是我无法想象的痛苦。

Perhaps most importantly, the experience of reconnecting with these women has helped to diminish years of insecurity and shame. I no longer see myself as inferior to the “popular” girls. In fact, my project has been greeted with admiration and excitement from many of the women I sought to impress so long ago. These changes have increased my self-confidence, and I have a new belief in my power, courage and worthiness. What’s more, my improved self-image has had positive implications for my work, relationships, and general sense of well-being.

也许最重要的是,与这些女生重新联系的经历,有助于减少我多年的不安全感和羞耻感。我不再认为自己比那些 "受欢迎 "的女孩差。事实上,我的计划受到了许多我很久之前想讨好的女生的赞赏。这些变化增强了我的自信心,我对自己的力量、勇气和价值有了新的信念。更重要的是,自我形象的改善对我的工作、人际关系和总体幸福感都有着积极的影响。
原创翻译:龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


I won’t say that this type of project is right for everyone and I can’t claim that others will get the same results if they decide to reach out to individuals from their past. For some people, leaving the past behind might be the right way forward. Not everyone changes. Not everyone will be open to discussing what happened, much less to expressing contrition.

我不会说这种类型的计划适合每个人,我也不能说其他人如果决定与过去的人接触,会得到同样的结果。对于一些人来说,抛开过去可能是正确的前进方向。不是每个人都会改变。不是每个人都愿意讨论所发生的事情,更不是每个人都愿意表达悔意。

But, for me at least, confronting my childhood demons has been tremendously healing, and that’s something I wish for everyone, no matter who they are or were ― no matter how they hurt or were hurt.

但是,至少对我来说,我的童年噩梦已经得到了巨大的治愈,这是我希望每个人都能做到的,无论他们是谁或曾经是谁--无论他们如何受伤或被伤害。

原创翻译:龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


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