我婆婆总是邀请我出去玩,然后让我付所有的费用。我怎么能礼貌地告诉她这样不好呢?
2021-05-24 ycb1990 19453
正文翻译


我婆婆总是邀请我出去玩,然后让我付所有的费用。我怎么能礼貌地告诉她这样不好呢?

评论翻译
Josh Garver
About 8 years ago I was “dating” a girl, we went out a lot and I always paid. Well, turns out I was actually in the friend zone. Once I realized this, I stopped talking to her. A couple weeks later she invited me to go out to dinner. I knew this meant I would be paying, so I came up with a plan.

大约8年前,我在和一个女孩“约会”,我们经常出去,我总是付钱。后来才发现她把我只当做普通朋友。我意识到这一点后就不再和她说话了。几个星期后,她邀请我出去吃饭。我知道这意味着我又要付钱,所以我想出了一个计划。

I told her to order first, she did. When it was my turn I loudly and clearly said to the server “and on my bill I would like….” and ordered my food.

我告诉她先点菜,她照做了。轮到我点菜的时候,我大声而清楚地对服务员说: “我自己付钱的那一份是... ...”。

She didn’t say anything, but the look on her face was priceless! I didn’t hear from her after that :)

她什么也没说,但是她脸上的表情精彩无比。从那以后,我再也没听到有关她的消息

Giulio Moro
Here’s a great tactic to use.

这里有一个很好的策略。

When she calls you to go out for lunch, just tell her up front that you’re really looking forward to it as you’re stressed and could really enjoy it, especially since you’re “low on funds” due to unexpected expenses this month. Then quickly follow-up with “since I paid last time, now it’s on you. Thank you so much.”. Now you’ve set the mood.

当她叫你出去吃午饭的时候,你提前告诉她你对此很期待,因为你最近压力很大,特别是因为你这个月因为意外的开销而“资金不足”。然后迅速跟进说“既然我上次付了钱,这次午餐就算在你头上。非常感谢。”现在你已经制造了一种这次午餐由她付钱的气氛。

While at lunch just go hog-wild and remember to say “thank you for the lunch, it was just what I really needed today” during dessert.

午餐的时候你尽管尽情享用,记得在吃甜点的时候说“谢谢你的午餐,这正是我今天真正需要的”。

If she gives you any slack, then just remind her that you’ve been paying all the previous times and now it’s her turn to start picking-up the tab.

如果她这次放你一马,决定自己付钱。那就提醒她之前的午餐/购物都是你付的钱,现在轮到她来买单了。

I believe in a reciprocal friendship unless one insists on treating the other. I order as I want on my dime and don’t impose or take advantage of others when it’s their treat, or force them to pay for my meal either. Separate bills from the get-go is the only way to go.

我相信互惠的友谊,除非一方坚持给另一方付账单。我想点什么就点什么,不会占别人的便宜,也不会强迫别人为我付账。从一开始就决定各自付各自的钱是唯一的办法。

Mary Fisher
Until recently (thanks a lot Covid) my siblings and I had a standing date for dinner together once a month. We would pick out a local restaurant or the occasional chain and meet for a meal and to catch up with everyone. From the start we decided on separate checks. It makes it stress free. Most of my siblings bring their spouses with them. Since I am spouse free and my kid sister’s husband was usually unavailable we would trade off treating each other to dinner. Once we ended up going to the
same restaurant 2 months in a row because the food was so good. The first visit my sister paid for my meal and I joked to the server that I was her date. The following month we got the same server. This time my brother in law actually came to dinner. When the server started taking our orders he looked over at my sister and her husband and said “She dumped you, huh?”. I laughed so hard I spilled my water and told him to put both their meals on my check. He was an awesome server.

直到最近(非常感谢这次疫情) ,我和我的兄弟姐妹每个月都有一次固定的聚餐。我们会挑选一家当地的餐馆或者连锁店,一起吃顿饭聊聊天。从一开始我们就决定分开付账。这样可以减轻压力。我的大多数兄弟姐妹都带着他们的配偶。由于我没有配偶,而且我小妹妹的丈夫通常没空来聚餐,所以我们决定互相请对方吃饭。有一次我们连续两个月去同一家餐厅聚餐,因为那里的食物太好吃了。我妹妹第一次来给我买单的时候,我跟服务员开玩笑说我是她的约会对象。接下来的一个月,招待我们的服务员都是同一个人。有一次,我妹夫真的来吃晚饭了。当服务员在旁边听我们点餐的时候,他看着我妹妹和她的丈夫说: “她甩了你,嗯?”.我笑得很厉害,把我的水都洒了出来,告诉他把他们的两顿饭都算在我的账上。他是个很棒的服务员。

Tilly Hayle
You are absolutely right. You should NOT pay for her every time. There’s no need to be polite, she is walking all over you and enjoying it. Be kind but very, very firm. You say, she ‘makes’ you pay for her? She cannot physically force you to do anything. Don't pay for her. If you do it once again - even as a one-off, she’ll win again.

你说的完全正确。你不应该每次都为她买单。对她没必要客气,她感觉自己吃定你了,正在享受这一切。要友善,但要非常非常坚定。你在帖子上说,她要求你为她买单?听着,她不能强迫你做任何事。不要为她付钱。如果你再做一次,即使只有一次,她也会再次获胜。

When she invites you out, you could say, ‘Oh that would be lovely, although I only have enough money to pay for myself.’ Not exactly subtle but might give her the message. If you can’t say that, then, when you do go out and it’s time to pay, add up your own food and ask for a separate bill, or simply give the cashier your share. Ignore her attempts to get you to pay (ie: I have no money, I have forgotten my purse). Pay your way then smile, say you’ve enjoyed seeing her (especially if you do enjoy her company). If she is left behind and has to wash the dishes then she will learn that she shouldn’t eat out when she doesn’t have the money to pay for it and that you are no longer her doormat.

当她邀请你出去的时候,你可以说,‘哦,那太好了,虽然我的钱只能付我自己那一份的费用。这句话虽然不是很含蓄,但也许能让她明白你的意思。如果你不能这么说,那么,当你外出并且准备付账的时候,把你自己的食物加起来,要求单独付钱,或者干脆把你的那份钱直接给收银员。别理会她让你付钱的企图(像我没钱,我忘了带钱包之类的理由)。付账的时候微笑着说你很喜欢和她一起吃饭。如果她因为没钱付账而不得不洗盘子时,她就会明白,当她没有钱支付餐费时,她就不应该在外面吃饭,而你也不再是她的逆来顺受的可怜虫了。

Anonymous
My mother is extremely mean and has a sense of entitlement. She is like that with friends but worse with family. A few years ago my partner offered to collect her and bring her here for a week’s holiday. This cost him about $300 in petrol and two days unpaid off of work. She never said thank you nor offered a cent towards it… (she is quite wealthy). We let that go. She then expected the pair of us to take her out for lunch and dinner every day, always leaving us to pay. My husband is too kind,
so he paid every time. She said she would take us out for a meal at the end of the week. When it came to that meal we went for a Chinese. At the end of it she asked for the bill and complained about how high it was. Then reluctantly paid. On the way home she wanted to pop into a supermarket to get a few bits to take home. She gathered together the stuff she wanted and went to the check out, then turned to me and said that she had spent all of her money on the very expensive Chinese meal and expected me to pay for these groceries. She had a credit card with her but did not want to use it. I told her to put them back on the shelves then.

我妈妈非常刻薄,而且有一种所有事情都是她应得的权利意识。她在朋友面前就是这样,但在家人面前就更糟了。几年前,我的伴侣提出来接她,带她来这里度一个星期的假。这花费了他大约300美元的汽油和两天的无薪假期。她从来没有说过谢谢,也没有给过一分钱... ... (她很富有)。我们也没太放到心上。然后她希望我们两个每天带她出去吃午饭和晚饭,总是留下我们付账。我丈夫非常善良,所以他每次都会付账。她说这周末她要带我们出去吃饭。等到周末,我们去了一家中餐馆。等到她付账的时候,她抱怨账单太高了,最后极不情愿地付了钱。在回家的
路上,她想去超市买点东西带回家。她选好她想要的东西,去结账,然后转向我说,她已经把所有的钱都花在了那顿非常昂贵的中餐上,她希望我来付这些杂货的钱。她随身带着一张信用卡,但不想用。我直接告诉她,既然你不能付账,请把所有的商品再放回去。

Another thing she has a habit of doing is looking through my kitchen cupboards. Then when she finds three packets of biscuits she says we do not need three packets and she will take two packets home with her AND proceed to put them in her bag. I tell her to put them back.

她还有一个习惯,就是翻看我的厨房橱柜。然后,当她找到三包饼干时,她说我们不需要三包,她会带两包回家,然后把它们放进她的包里。我告诉她把它们放回去。

At one stage she expected us to drive to her and back - at a cost of two days off of work unpaid and a lot of money on petrol, to hoover her carpet for her, because it was going to save her $40 on paying a cleaner to come and do it. No way.

有一段时间,她希望我们开车送她回家,然后帮她把地毯吸干净,这样她就不用雇清洁工了,从未可以省下40美元。而我们付出的代价是请两天假(无报酬)和花费大量的汽油钱。我直接告诉她这不可能。

People can only get you to pay for things if you let them. The more you do it the more they expect it and take you for granted.

人们只有在你愿意的情况下才能让你付钱。你做的越多,他们就越期待,并且认为让你付钱是理所当然的。

Kris R.
I've had so called “friends” pull this crap and there's no need to be polite about it, regardless of what they think.

我之前的“朋友”也对我干过这些损事,不管他们怎么想,没有必要对他们保持礼貌。
原创翻译:龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


The bottom line here is that you're being used, and friends (actual friends) don't pull that crap. I see no valid reason family should be allowed to either, unless your income is such that in YOUR eyes you can afford it and are WILLING to afford it.

底线是你被利用了,而朋友(真正的朋友)不会利用你。除非你的收入在你看来是可以负担得起的,而且你也愿意负担,否则我看不出有任何正当的理由允许你这样做。

Here was my solution:

以下是我的解决方案:
原创翻译:龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


After a couple of months of these “invitations” to dinner with me; always ending up with me paying for both our meals, I became fed up with the lack of reciprocity.

我的朋友这几个月一直邀请我共进晚餐,但最后总是我付我们两个人的饭钱,我对这种缺乏互惠感的友谊到厌烦。

The next time this “buddy" called with his “invite" to dinner, I gently explained that since he was issuing the invitation, that told me that he was footing the bill.. After all, one doesn't invite a guest to a dinner at your house and then expect THEM to bring the food.

下一次这个“伙计”打电话来说他要“请”我吃饭时,我温和地解释说,既然他发出了邀请,那就说明是他请客。毕竟,一个人不会邀请一个客人到你家吃饭,然后期望客人能带来食物。

Oddly enough ;} his “invite” was withdrawn and he never asked again unless we were doing separate tabs.

奇怪的是,他的“邀请”撤回了,除非我们分开付账单,否则他再也没有主动提起要和我一起吃饭。

He never once offered to pay my meal, and he vanished from my life about 3 months after that conversation (probably found a new sucker to sponge off of).

他从来没有主动帮我付过饭钱,大约在那次谈话之后的3个月,他就从我的生活中消失了(可能找到了一个新的寄生虫)。
原创翻译:龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


The problem here is that in my world, family relationships and friends relationships are TWO way streets. There must be reciprocity on some level in order for it to work for both people.

问题是,在我的世界里,家庭关系和朋友关系是双向/互惠的。在某种程度上,必须存在互惠关系,这样才能使双方都受益。

If I couldn't foot the bill to reciprocate for a meal they bought, I would usually invite them over to my home an cook something nice for us to repast upon.

如果我请不起我的朋友下馆子,我通常会邀请他们到我家做一顿美味的饭菜。

I've also had that done for me when the other person couldn't afford to pay.

当别人付不起钱的时候,我也会这样做。

Brian Ellis
I do not understand why people do not distance themselves from people like this. I suppose I must be the most self-centered man walking the planet. If I ask someone to join me for a restaurant meal, I don’t mind picking-up the tab, however I will not be taken advantage of, and I give everyone one chance to prove them-self.

我不明白为什么人们不和这样的人保持距离。我想我一定是这个星球上最以自我为中心的人。如果我邀请别人和我一起去餐馆吃饭,我也不介意自己去买单,但是我不会让人占我便宜,我给每个人一个机会来证明自己。

I would suggest you keep your distance, and tell mumzy you have other plans when she calls you to get together. Eventually she will stop calling.

我建议你和你婆婆保持距离,当你婆婆打电话约你出来的时候,告诉她你另有安排。最终她会停止打电话。

I remember having a new friend over to my house for cocktails once. And the guy actually brought his roommate with him, and his roommate brought some of his friends too. I guess they heard I was serving drinks! These lushes drank quite allot of my booze. And one of them even splashed on my expensive cologne when they were in my bathroom. Anyway, I didn’t mind as I thought at least one of them would have sent me a drink when we got to the bar, after all, I did help pay for our taxi ride to
the nightclub. But no. Not a single offer from any of them to send me a drink. So, I hung around in the bar for a short-bit, and I quietly slipped out and went home when they were all on the dance floor. I have never seen any of them since. That was in 1981!!!

我记得有一次有个新朋友来我家喝鸡尾酒。这个家伙带了他的室友,他的室友也带了一些朋友。我猜他们听说来我这里会有酒喝!这些小伙子把我的酒喝得差不多了。其中一个人去我浴室的时候喷了我昂贵的古龙水。不管怎样,我并不介意,因为我认为他们中至少有一个会在我们到酒吧的时候请我喝一杯饮料。毕竟,去夜总会的出租车费是我付的。但是他们没有一个人请我喝一杯。于是,我在酒吧里闲逛了一会儿,趁他们都在跳舞的时候,我悄悄溜了出去,回了家。从那以后我再也没见过他们。那是在1981年!

Jamie Wilson-Hull
You can ask one simple question BEFORE you go out.

你可以在出门前问一个简单的问题。

“Oh…are you paying for us/this excursion out this time?”

“哦... ... 这次旅行是你付钱吗?”

If she hmmm’s and haw’s…that’s code for “well, I thought you’d pay like usual”. Don’t go for it unless you really want her company AND wish to pay for it.

如果她支支吾吾的... ... 那就是暗示“嗯,我想你会像往常一样付钱”。除非你真的想要她的陪伴,并且希望为此付钱,否则就不要和她一起出去。

I have a friend who has done this to me and I’ve fallen for it every single time. I now, don’t. I can’t afford it any longer and guess what? The invitations out have stopped.

我有一个朋友就是这样对我的,我每次都上当。现在我不会上当了,。我再也负担不起了,你猜怎么着?她再也没有邀请我出去完了。

There’s nothing wrong with paying sometimes as long as there’s a reciprocation (ie: she pays next time). If there isn’t, you’re being used.

有时付钱没什么错,只要有回报(例如: 下次吃饭,她付钱)。如果没有,你就是在被利用。

IF she mentions that she’s short on cash, you have the option of saying something like, “I am too…let’s not do that right now.” Come up with something free or less expensive to do. I think that she’ll turn it down or perhaps, she’ll go for it but, you shouldn’t be paying for her ideas.

如果她提到她缺钱,你可以这样说,“我也是... ... 要不我们这次就不出去了。”或者想出一些免费或者便宜的事情来做。我想她会拒绝的,或者,她会接受的,但是,最终你不应该为她的想法买单。

Even if you can afford these things and she knows it, you have the option of asking for separate bills if it’s out for dinner or lunch or anything else. If she says something like, “I don’t have the money for this,” you can offer to pay this ONE LAST TIME to get her and you out of a jam and argument but, never allow it to happen again as stated above.

即使你负担的起这些东西,而她也知道这一点。也可以在晚餐或午餐或其他任何时候,选择要求单独结账单。如果她说,“我没有钱来付我那一份的账单,”你可以提出这次帮她支付最后一次,但是后面像这样的事情永远不要再发生。

You’ve set a precedent with her now so, it’s going to be harder for you to stop but, it’s doable.

你现在已经和她开了个先例,所以,你很难阻止类似的事情再发生。但是上述的办法也是可以借鉴的。

Just find other alternatives and DO speak to your husband about it all. See what his take is on the matter, explaining your fears and situation. HE MAY talk to her about it and get you off the hook.

找到其他的替代方案,一定要告诉你的丈夫这一切。看看他对这件事的看法,向他解释一下你的恐惧和处境。他也许会跟他妈妈谈谈这件事,让你摆脱困境。

I’ve never invited anyone out unless I can pay for myself or them if need be, unless they say something like “oh, you’ve paid the last 3 times or more that we’ve been out. This is on ME this time.”

我从来没有邀请过任何人出去,除非我能为自己或他们支付账单。除非他们说类似“哦,你已经支付了3次或更多,这次我请客。”的话
原创翻译:龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


Best wishes!

最好的祝愿!

Stavros Macrakis
First, talk this over with your spouse. What is going on here?

首先,和你的配偶讨论一下,到底是怎么一回事?

Why is she inviting you out? Is it to get to know you better/check up on you? Or is it just because she wants a free meal?

她为什么要邀请你出去?是为了更好地了解你还是叙叙旧?或者仅仅是因为她想要一顿免费的晚餐?

Why does she expect you to pay? Are you much richer than her? Does she think that you’re spending your spouse’s (i.e. her son/daughter’s) money, which she thinks of as hers?

她为什么要你付钱?你比她有钱多了吗?她是否认为你在花你配偶(即她儿子/女儿)的钱,而她认为这些钱是她的?

If you do want to change this pattern, what you might say next time is “I’d love to have a chance to catch up with you. But I really need to (cook for the children / work on my classwork / write a report for my boss) in the evenings. Would you like to come over for coffee some morning?” or “Do you want to join us for dinner at home on Thursday?”. Then “I’d really like to take you and my spouse out to dinner one of these days. Maybe on XXX (six weeks away)?”

如果你真的想改变这种模式,下次你可以说: “我希望有机会和你一起叙叙旧。但是晚上我真的需要(给孩子们做饭/做功课/给老板写报告)。你愿意哪天早上过来喝杯咖啡吗?”或者“你想星期四来我们家一起吃晚饭吗?”.然后说“我真的很想哪天带你和我的爱人一起出去吃饭。也许在 XXX (六周后) ?”

Or you could act like the old-fashioned wife, and say “Oh, my spouse (her child) manages our budget — let me see if he’s OK with treating us to dinner when s/he’s not joining us.” This puts the discussion between her and her child.
或者,你可以表现得像个保守的妻子,说“哦,我的配偶(她的孩子)管理着我们的预算ーー让我看看他/她是否愿意在他/她不在的时候,我们单独一起出吃饭。”这会让她和她的孩子进行讨论。
Shannon Nealey
First off, stop being polite.

首先,不要客气。

Second, tell her off.

其次,责备她。

Then simply decline her offer. It’s rude to invite someone out to engage in an activity and then expect them to pay for everything. Just stop. I mean, if you want to go, then do so and just pay your own way.

然后直接拒绝她的提议。邀请别人参加一项活动,然后要求他们为所有的东西付钱,这是很不礼貌的。停止这样做。我的意思是,如果你想去,那就去吧,只付自己那一份钱就行了。

But understand that you are not obligated to do anything with your MIL. You don’t owe her anything simply because you are married to her child. You are an individual, so keep that in mind.

但你要知道你没有义务替她做任何事。仅仅因为你娶了她的孩子不代表你欠她任何东西。要记住一点的是,你是个独立的个体。

You can say No. You don’t have to be polite.

你可以说不,你不必客气。

I get the impression that you go along to keep the peace. Well, that keeps the peace on the outside, but what about the peace within? That should be your priority.

我觉得你这样做是为了家庭和平。现在家庭是和平了,但是你内心的和平呢?你自己内心的和平才是你真正首要关心的事情。

Shelia Gulledge
Want to be sure I am interpreting your question correctly. When you say “pay for everything,” do you mean her tab as well as yours or that she invites you out but you must pay for everything you order yourself?

想确认我对你的问题的解释是否正确。当你说“为所有东西买单”,你是指你们吃饭的账单,还是包括吃饭、购物等所有的账单?

I don’t assume that she is trying to take advantage of you but may not be aware that if she is asking you to consistently foot the bill, that is a faux pas. When my aunts or dad was living, I would never let them pay the bill as a sign of respect for my elders. Perhaps her thinking is along those lines (as antiquated as that concept is).

我不认为她是想占你的便宜,她可能没有意识到这样做的不妥。如果她一直要求你为她买单,那就是失礼。当我的阿姨或者爸爸还活着的时候,为了表示对长辈的尊重,我从来不让他们付账。也许她的想法就是这样的(尽管这个概念已经过时了)。

If she is using the outings to bond wit you, next time she “invites” you for a lunch shopping trip, instead invite her to your house and tell her you’d love to prepare a little meal or dessert for you two instead, or that you’d love her to show you one of your husband’s favorite recipes, etc. You could also arrange outings timed AFTER lunch. At the beginning of the meet-up, tell her you just ate and are too full to even CONSIDER getting something else to eat, but she could get herself something if she wanted.

如果她利用外出和你建立关系,下次她“邀请”你去吃午餐购物时,你可以邀请她去你家,告诉她你想为你们两个准备一些饭菜或甜点,或者你想让她给你展示你丈夫最喜欢的食谱,等等。你也可以安排在午饭后外出。刚开始见面的时候,告诉她你刚吃过东西,而且很撑,不想再吃其它东西了。但是如果她愿意的话,她可以给自己弄点吃的。

There are a variety of ways to approach this without creating a wedge issue between you two that may impact the relationship with her and your husband or your future kids. If you have the kind of relationship where you could simply have a heart-to-heart, that may work as well rather than letting resentment settle in and fester.

有很多方法可以解决这个问题,同时又不会在你们之间制造分歧,从而影响到你和她、你的丈夫或者你未来的孩子的关系。如果你们之间的关系是那种可以坦诚相见的关系,那么这种关系也可以起到同样的作用,而不是让怨恨在心中滋生和溃烂。

Best to you both

祝你们俩好运

Gwen Sawchuk
The next time she invites you, tell her you can’t afford to go out with her. Keep it simple, don’t offer anymore explanation than that. Say it in a calm manner.

下次她邀请你的时候,告诉她你没钱和她一起出去,简简单单的说出来,不需要说太多话来解释。以平静的方式说出来。

If she insists that she will pay? Accept and be prepared. If you’re going out to lunch, bring just enough money to pay for the tiny lunch you plan to eat. If she pays for both of you, that’s great. If she doesn’t and still expects you to pay, explain you only have enough money to pay for your lunch. Again, keep it simple. Stay calm and don’t apologize.

如果她坚持这次她来付钱时。你可以接受她的邀请并做好准备。如果你要出去吃午餐,带上足够的钱来支付你计划吃的小份午餐。如果她为你们俩付账,那就太好了。如果她没有,而且仍然希望你付钱,解释说你的钱只够付你那份的午餐。再说一次,保持简单。保持冷静,不要道歉。

Maybe you can discuss with her separate checks or taking turns paying. Maybe her son needs to talk to her. This is a delicate situation, as it involves your in laws. You may not be able to cut them from your life, but you will need to have boundaries.

。也许你可以和她讨论分开付账或者轮流付账。也许她儿子需要和她谈谈。这是一个微妙的情况,因为它涉及到你的姻亲。你可能无法将他们从你的生活中抹去,但是你需要有界限。
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Michael Fostaty
This is ridiculous. All of these answers dance around the actual problem. When an invitation is offered, the expenses are either shared or the person that offered the invitation pays. The invitee isn’t or shouldn’t be on the hook for payment.

这太荒谬了。所有这些答案都围绕着实际问题。当你被邀请时,费用要么是分摊的,要么是提供邀请的人付钱。被邀请人不应该被要求付款。

Is this what honest communication has come to in today’s world? Is it because I’m a guy and think differently? I would just tell her, and it would have happened after the second time out, so the third invitation, “Thank you for the invitation. I love going out with you but I just can’t afford to pay for both of us all the time. I enjoy your company, but when you invite me out, I’m the one that ends up paying. Sorry, I can’t do that anymore.”

这就是当今世界诚实沟通的方式吗?难道是因为我是个男人,思维方式和你们不同吗?在第二次外出后我会直接告诉她。所有在她第三次邀请我之后,我会对她说,“谢谢你的邀请。我喜欢和你一起出去,但是我不能总是负担我们两个人的费用。我喜欢你的陪伴,但是当你邀请我出去的时候,我是那个最后付钱的人。对不起,我不能再这么做了。”

If there isn’t going to be a sharing of the expenses, then I won’t be going with someone else’s, “invitation”.

如果不能分摊费用,那么我就不会接受别人的“邀请”。

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