养育孩子最有害的错误是什么? 如何避免这些错误?
2021-11-02 可乐加冰 6469
正文翻译

What are the worst toxic parenting mistakes, and how do you avoid them?

养育孩子最有害的错误是什么? 如何避免这些错误?

评论翻译
Israel Collado
Being a parent means you have to teach a human being how to survive in this crazy world of ours, so it’s pretty normal to make mistakes on that task.
I’d say some of the most common are:
Thinking that everything is like it used to be when you were young.
The world is in constant change and resilience is a key skill to have.
Being a kid today is not the same as being a kid 20 years ago. The Internet, social media, climate change, many things have taken over and things are not how they used to be.
Parents need to adapt to new circumstances and help their children be able to do the same, because the moment you get stuck in the past, you can’t move on and life becomes harder.
“That everything you see will soon alter and cease to exist. Think of how many changes you’ve already seen”
– Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

作为父母意味着你必须教一个人如何在我们这个疯狂的世界中生存,所以在这个任务中犯错是很正常的。
我想说一些最常见的错误是:
认为一切都和小时候一样。
世界在不断变化,适应能力是一项关键技能。
今天的孩子和20年前的孩子不一样。互联网、社交媒体、气候变化,很多事情已经占据了主导地位,事情已经不是以前的样子了。
父母需要适应新的环境并帮助他们的孩子也能这样做,因为当你被困在过去的时候,你就无法继续前进,生活变得更加艰难。
“你所看到的一切都将很快改变并不复存在。想想你已经看到了多少变化”
——马可·奥勒留,《沉思录》

Wanting your kids to be who you think they should be.
I’m a doctor? OK, my son has to be a doctor.
Why is this still happening?
This is a very retrograde behavior than only leads to disappointments and frustration.
Let your kids decide what they want to be when they grow up. Give them all the information they can get so that they have all the options and can make an educated decision.
Remember it’s their life, not yours.
They have to live it in their own way, you’re just there to help and protect them while they can’t.

希望你的孩子成为你认为他们应该成为的人。
我是个医生?好吧,我儿子必须是医生。
为什么这种情况还在发生?
这是一种非常倒退的行为,只会导致失望和挫折。
让你的孩子决定他们长大后想成为什么样的人。给他们所有能得到的信息,这样他们就有了所有的选择,可以做出明智的决定。
请记住,这是他们的生活,而不是你自己的生活。
他们必须以自己的方式生活,你只是在他们做不到的时候帮助和保护他们。

Not preparing your children for failure.
They’re going to fail at some point, that’s part of life and it will help them grow and learn from their mistakes.
So, show them how to love failure, how to fail better next time and how good it feels to succeed after all.
Teach them to not be afraid. To be bold.
Do not put them into a bubble so that they won’t get hurt, tell them to go out there and try as many things as they can, so that they get the taste of what it is to be alive make the most of their existence.
“Because I say so” is never the right answer.
When your children are born and raised in an environment where their parents are always right and nothing can be questioned, they get the feeling the world is exactly like that.
Drop the ego. Teach your children to question everything, even yourself.
Help them grow with a state of mind that looks for the truth and the right thing to do, so that they grow to be a better person.
Encourage them to find options, to discuss points of view, to not just settle with what they hear, to respect others that think different…
“If it’s not right, don’t do it. If it’s not true, don’t say it”
– Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

没有让你的孩子为失败做好准备。
他们会在某个时候失败,失败是生活的一部分,它会帮助他们成长,从错误中学习。
所以,告诉他们如何热爱失败,下次如何更好地失败,以及成功的感觉究竟有多好。
教他们不要害怕。要大胆。
不要因为害怕他们受到伤害就把他们放进泡沫里,告诉他们出去尝试尽可能多的事情,充分利用他们的存在,这样他们才能尝到活着的滋味。
“因为我这么说”从来都不是正确的答案。
当你的孩子在父母永远是对的、没有什么可以质疑的环境中出生和长大时,他们会觉得世界就是这样。
放下自我。教你的孩子质疑一切,包括质疑你自己。
帮助他们以一种寻求真理和做正确事情的心态成长,使他们成长为一个更好的人。
鼓励他们寻找选择,讨论观点,而不是仅仅满足于他们所听到的,尊重与他们想法不同的人。
“如果不对,就不要去做。如果不是真的,就不要说"
——马可·奥勒留《沉思录》

Neglecting empathy and emotional intelligence.
This world we live in can be very cruel if you don’t get your shit together before you go out there.
Parents today, more than ever, need to prepare their children to be able to respond to anything, to any kind of person, to any event that they may face.
Children need to have as ground rules: empathy, kindness and gratitude, so that they know how to appreciate things and also how to interact better with other people so that everyone can benefit from it.
Teach them to be proactive and not reactive, so that they won’t be overwhelmed by everything around them and they will be able to live a happier life.
Also, help them understand that things are going to happen in their lives, but that it’s up them how they let those things affect them. It’s all about perception.
“Choose not to be harmed—and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed—and you haven’t been”
– Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

忽视同理心和情商。
如果你在出去之前不振作起来,我们生活的这个世界可能会很残酷。
今天的父母比以往任何时候都更需要让他们的孩子做好准备,让孩子们能够应对他们可能面临的任何事情、任何类型的人、任何事件。
孩子们需要有同理心、善良和感恩等基本原则,这样他们就知道如何欣赏事物,如何与他人更好地互动,让每个人都能从中受益。
教他们积极主动,而不是被动反应,这样他们就不会被周围的一切所压倒,他们才能过上更幸福的生活。
此外,帮助他们了解生活中将要发生的事情,但如何让这些事情影响他们,取决于他们自己。这都是关于感知的。
“选择不被伤害——你就不会感到受到伤害。不要觉得受到了伤害——你并没有受到伤害。”
——马可·奥勒留,《沉思录》

There only one way to raise your children, and that is trying to prepare them for anything.
We don’t know what the future will bring, but if they know anything can happen but they can be alright and happy regardless, if they are raised in a way the no matter what happens they keep walking…
That’s when they are indestructible and they can make the most out of their lives, and I guess that’s what you want for your kids, right?
Enjoy the ride! ;)
-Israel.

养育孩子的方法只有一种,那就是让他们做好一切准备。
我们不知道未来会带来什么,但如果他们知道任何事情都可能发生,但无论如何,他们都能过得很好很快乐,如果他们的成长方式是无论发生什么,他们都会继续前进……
那时候他们是坚不可摧的,他们可以充分利用自己的生活,我想这就是你想要你的孩子拥有的,对吧?
享受这个过程吧!

Ken Kneram ,Just a rational citizen.
If you want your children to be able to function in the world don't solve all their problems for them.
Whenever you see your child struggling with a problem don't swoop in and fix it.
Step in and guide them through the problem solving process but let them do the work.
Let them think it through.
Talk them through it if you have to.
But let them figure it out with your guidance.
They will curse you for it when they're young but then they will thank you for it when they're adults.
This is especially true when dealing with conflict.
The ability to effectively resolve conflict is probably the greatest skill that any human being can learn.
Very few of the adults in our society today have that skill.
Don't be a fixer.
Be a helper and a guide.

如果你希望你的孩子能够在世界上正常生活,不要替他们解决所有的问题。
每当你看到你的孩子遇到问题时,不要急于介入并解决它。
介入并引导他们完成解决问题的过程,但让他们自己完成工作。
让他们考虑清楚。
如果有必要,和他们谈谈。
但让他们在你的引导下自己解决。
他们年轻的时候会为此诅咒你,但长大后他们会感谢你。
在处理冲突时尤其如此。
有效解决冲突的能力可能是任何人都可以学习的最伟大的技能。
当今社会中很少有成年人具备这种技能。
不要做解决问题的人。
做一个帮手和向导。

Ken W,Former Retired Musician and Adjunct College Prof
Don’t get caught up in healing wounds with your parents by how you raise your own. Do you ever remember saying to yourself as a child in response to an action your parents took , “When I grow up I’m never going to do this to my children”?
Well you don’t do it. But that’s about you, not your child. You never ever take that same action. Don’t expect a thank you or appreciation for not doing it with your kids. They don’t have a clue what you didn’t do. They have a completely different set of needs and issues while growing up. And rest assured, they’ll probably say to themselves at some point, in reaction to something you do, “When I grow up I’m never going to do this with my own children”
I remember a reading in an education class I took in grad school . It’s probably influenced me more than any one sentence I’ve ever read. “The best we ever can do in life is to make caring decisions.”
Rest assured you will make mistakes when parenting. No parent has ever escaped doing that. So be kind to both your children and yourself. Mistakes do happen. Please make sure you make those caring decisions in regard to both of you!

不要因为你如何抚养自己的孩子而陷入与父母一起治愈伤口的过程中。你是否记得,当你还是个孩子的时候,当你的父母对你做了某件事的时候,你会对自己说:“等我长大了,我从不会对我的孩子做这种事。”你不会这么做。但那是你的事,不是你的孩子的事。你永远不会做同样的事。不要因为没有和你的孩子一起做这些事而期待别人的感谢或感激。他们根本不知道你没做什么。他们在成长过程中有着完全不同的需求和问题。我可以肯定的是,他们可能会对自己说,当你做了一些事情的时候,“等我长大了,我永远不会对我自己的孩子这样做。”
我记得我在研究生院的教育课上读过一篇文章。它对我的影响可能超过我读过的任何一句话。“我们一生中能做的最好的事情就是做出有爱心的决定。”
请放心,在养育孩子时,你会犯错。没有父母能不犯错。因此,请善待你的孩子和你自己。错误确实会发生。请确保你对你们俩人都做出了关心的决定!

T Benz,Bipolar w/mixed features & Borderline Personality Disorder
Giving your child the silent treatment. Always talk through issues with your kids and always validate their feelings. Not doing so is neglect and can lead to mental health issues.
Don’t be an absent parent. They need you in their lives, not just to clothe and house and provide food. They need your time and attention.
Don’t assume that your child knows you love them. Tell them everyday what they mean to you and how wonderful they are. Give lots of hugs. Build them up with love so they know they are worthy.
Researchers studied 6 chimpanzees from birth. Each was given their own space/cage and received food and water each day but no contact with their mother or others. Within 6 months all of the chimpanzees died. The lack of love and affection killed them. I can’t quote the source as this was shared with me by my psychiatrist.

给你的孩子无声的治疗。总是和你的孩子讨论问题,总是认可他们的感受。不这样做就是忽视,可能会导致心理健康问题。
不要做一个缺席的父母。他们在生活中需要你,而不仅仅你是给他们提供衣服,房子和食物 。他们需要你的时间和关注。
不要假设你的孩子知道你爱他们。每天都告诉他们,他们对你意味着什么,他们有多棒。多多拥抱他们。用爱培养他们,让他们知道自己是值得的。
研究人员研究了6只黑猩猩(从黑猩猩出生起就对其进行了研究),每只都有自己的空间/笼子,每天都有食物和水,但没有与它们的母亲或其他人接触。6个月内所有的黑猩猩都死了。缺乏爱和亲情杀死了它们。我不能引用消息来源,因为这是我的心理医生告诉我的。

Javier Piche,Philosopher, Writer
Believing that your children should behave as you think they should. They are their own person as a result of genetics and personality temperament. Whatever you hope they'll be isn't reality. The other is to expect them to think like you and live by your same belief system that you try to teach them.
Parents can overreact when their child does something they perceive as wrong like not saying hi to the person that walked into the room or when they accidentally spill milk on the table. They may say something such as “say hi!” or “why don’t you pay attention to what you're doing and be careful!” Yet the expectation that they should behave a particular way exists only in your mind.
They shouldn't be anything that you think they should be. They are their own person and will behave as they are. To tell them they are wrong for behaving a certain way is to send them the message that something is inherently wrong or bad within them. A child will internalize the words and messages of their parents and that’s how negative core beliefs are formed.

认为你的孩子应该按照你的想法行事。由于遗传和个性气质的原因,他们就是他们自己。无论你希望他们将来成为什么都不现实。另一种是期望他们像你一样思考,并按照你教给他们的信念去生活。
父母可能会对孩子做了一些他们(父母)认为是错误的事情反应过度:比如没有向走进房间的人打招呼,或者他们(孩子)不小心把牛奶洒在桌子上。他们(父母)可能会说诸如“打个招呼!”或者“你为什么不注意你在做什么,小心点!”之类的话。 然而,孩子应该以特定方式行事的期望只存在于你的脑海中。
他们(孩子)不应该是你想的那样。他们是他们自己,他们会按照自己的方式行事。告诉他们,他们的某种行为是错误的,就是向他们传递这样一个信息:他们内在的某些东西是错误的或坏的。孩子会内化父母的话和信息,这就是消极核心信念形成的方式。
原创翻译:龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


I’m not saying to let them do whatever they want, rules and boundaries are important. What isn't appropriate is when a parent is constantly trying to control their behavior leaving no room for them to exercise their personal agency and think and act for themselves. The result of a helicopter parent who attempts to control the child's every move is often rebellion during teenage years. Or you're left with a very codependent child and then you'll ask yourself later why are they in relationship with an abusive controlling person not realizing that your “parenting” is what conditioned them to normalize that behavior.
Experience your child as you would an adult. Get to know them for who they are, listen to them when they share what's important to them no matter how trivial or unimportant it may seem. Become their friend rather than a tyrannical parent. If you develop that friendship when they're little, then they will keep sharing their experience with you as they grow older.
Don't judge what they say or do if it's something you perceive as bad or wrong but show them compassion and understanding. Them experiencing compassion and love through you will help them to practice compassion towards themselves when they feel they've made a mistake and feel sorrow and regret. Create the space to hold their emotional experience from a non judgmental and compassionate perspective.

我不是说让他们为所欲为,规则和界限很重要。不合适的是,父母不断地试图控制孩子的行为,没有留下让孩子发挥个人能动性、为自己思考和行动的空间。“直升机父母”试图控制孩子的一举一动,其结果往往是孩子在青少年时期叛逆。或者你会有一个非常依赖他人的孩子,之后你会问自己,为什么他们和一个虐待控制狂在一起,却没有意识到是你的“养育”使他们习惯了这种行为。
像对待成人一样对待你的孩子。了解他们是谁,在他们分享对他们来说重要的事情时倾听他们,无论这些事情看起来多么琐碎或不重要。成为他们的朋友而不是专横的父母。如果你在他们小的时候就建立了这种友谊,那么他们会随着年龄的增长不断与你分享他们的经历。
如果你认为他们说的或做的是不好的或错误的,不要去评判他们,而要向他们表示同情和理解。当他们觉得自己犯了错误,感到悲伤和后悔时,他们通过你体验到同情和爱,这将帮助他们同情自己。要从非评判性和富有同情心的角度创造空间来保持他们的情感体验。

David Thomson,CEO (2005–present)
I agree with the parenting skills suggested by other writers here, as far as allowing and encouraging your children to think for themselves, and also avoid being overly judgmental. But I don’t think this is the worst toxic parenting mistake a person can make.
In my view, the worst toxic parenting mistake is not being yourself as a parent. As a parent, you are the first example of what children will intimately become to know as an adult. Your own strengths and weaknesses need to be genuine and based on conviction; your children need to see their adult parents make mistakes, and to see how their parents fix their mistakes.
Nobody is born as a fully grown adult, and no parent is an expert at parenting until their children are fully grown.
Whatever the parent thinks is important for their children, that is what they should provide for their children, even if it turns out to be wrong. As parents make mistakes, they can then fix their own mistakes and demonstrate to their children that the kids too can make mistakes in life and fix them.
A parent who steps back and lets their children raise themselves is depriving their children of much needed challenges and adventure. If a parent is good at a trade and wants to raise their child to take over that trade, there is nothing wrong with starting with that plan. You can’t really know whether your child would like this opportunity, or not, until they have had a chance to experience it.

我同意其他回帖者人建议的育儿技巧,允许并鼓励你的孩子独立思考,同时避免过度评判。但我认为这不是一个人可能犯的最有害的养育错误。
在我看来,作为父母,最严重的有害养育错误是不做你自己。作为父母,你是孩子长大成人后会亲密了解的第一个例子。你自己的长处和短处必须是真实且基于信念的。你的孩子需要看到他们成年的父母犯错,并看到他们的父母如何纠正他们的错误。
没有人生来就是一个完全成熟的成年人,也没有父母在孩子完全长大之前是育儿专家。
父母认为对孩子重要的任何东西,都是他们应该为孩子提供的,即使事实证明是错误的。当父母犯错时,他们可以纠正自己的错误,并向他们的孩子示范,孩子在生活中也会犯错并改正。
袖手旁观型家长让自己的孩子自食其力,这种行为剥夺了他们的孩子非常需要的挑战和冒险精神。如果父母擅长一门手艺,想让他们的孩子继承这门手艺,从这个计划开始并没有什么错。你没法真正知道你的孩子是否喜欢这个机会,直到他们有机会体验它。
原创翻译:龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处


When I raised my two children, I started out with exposing my children to many experiences which were of interest to me, so that they could see my happiness and satisfaction in things like walking through the woods, canoeing, skiing, organic gardening, herbalism, and motorcycle riding. My daughter loved physical activity and grew up to be a hang glider pilot, trekker, and traveled the world while helping others through NGOs; she also earned a PhD. My son turned out to enjoy bicycling and yearned to ride across the country, and he became fascinated with building models out of toothpicks, which was not something I was as interested in. He now owns a bicycle shop in Okinawa, Japan.
As a parent, I had decidedly conservative views, and when I was asked about my views, I explained them as I saw fit. But I taught my kids to think for themselves, even if it meant to disagree with my views. My daughter ended up being a State Legislative Page, an International Exchange Student to China, and a page to Senator in Washington, D.C.
For the most part, my kids lives were pleasant, but not always so, which is the same for everyone else. I didn’t change my views and lifestyle to fit into my children’s lives, I made it clear that they could have their own life when they came of age, but when they lived in my house, they were my responsibility, and there were rules to live by. It gave them something to look forward to; and it also showed them that I have a life that I am satisfied with.
Both of my children are now either a young parent, or a parent to be, and they are also now about to demonstrate their own adventure of becoming expert parents. I wish them both well and just sit back to see how they do it. How they raise their children is entirely their decision.
There is no absolute right or wrong plan a parent can make. We don’t know how people will react in different situations until we are in those situations, which is why we need to just be ourselves and learn through the process.

当我抚养我的两个孩子时,我开始让我的孩子接触许多我感兴趣的经历,让他们看到我在树林里散步、划独木舟、滑雪、有机园艺、种植草药和骑摩托车时的快乐和满足感。我女儿热爱体育活动,长大后成为一名滑翔机飞行员、徒步旅行者,并通过非政府组织帮助他人环游世界。她还获得了博士学位。我儿子原来很喜欢骑自行车,渴望骑着自行车周游全国,他对用牙签做模型很感兴趣,而我对这一点都不感兴趣。他现在在日本冲绳拥有一家自行车店。
作为家长,我的观点绝对保守,当被问及我的观点时,我会按照我认为合适的方式进行解释。但我教我的孩子独立思考,即使这意味着不同意我的观点。我女儿最后成了一名州议员,一名到中国的国际交换生,一名华盛顿特区的参议员。
在大多数情况下,我的孩子们的生活是愉快的,但并非总是如此,其他人也一样。我没有改变我的观点和生活方式来适应我孩子的生活,我明确表示他们长大后可以拥有自己的生活,但是当他们住在我家时,他们是我的责任并且需要遵守一些规则。它给了他们一些期待,这也让他们知道我有一种我很满意的生活。
我的两个孩子现在要么是年轻的父母,要么是即将成为的父母,他们现在也将展示自己成为专家父母的冒险。我祝他们两个都好,只是坐下来看看他们是如何做到的。如何抚养孩子完全由他们自己决定。
父母制定的计划没有绝对的对错。我们不知道人们在不同的情况下会有什么反应,直到我们处在那些情况下,这就是为什么我们需要做自己并通过这个过程学习。

Maher ben Abdesslam,Web and mobile software engineer & self-studied psychology.
One thing is the most toxic parenting behiviour, is ignoring the fact that children have personalities and insisting on makinh them the way the parents want. In other words customize the children the way you want them to be not the way they naturally can be.
It is true that children needs to have manners and need to be protect from the unknown dangers for them that the obxtive of raising children after all, but there is parents who demolish the personality of their children and think they own them not thinking that children are persons too and have distinct personality.
By thinking parents own their children the parents control and interact with every move the child make not losing that control behiviour gradually when child grow more, that make the parents design their children the way they want them to be not the way the child need or should be.
Also with over controlling child personality they kill his natural talents and independence making the child more clingy to his parents with low self-esteem and low self-confidence making their child more vulnerable and he find himself helpless in danger or unknown situations and making the room for grow for him little to absent.
We need teach children manners and good behiviour but also we need make a room for them to learn by themselves and have natural independence, we need by the time the child grow decrease control level but increase teaching them manners not by force but by letting them discover that his parents were right after all.

最有害的养育行为,就是忽视孩子有个性的事实,坚持让他们成为父母想要的样子。换句话说,让孩子按照你希望的方式成长,而不是他们天生的样子。
的确,孩子们需要有礼貌,需要保护他们免受未知的危险,毕竟,这是养育孩子的目的。但也有一些父母摧毁了孩子的个性,这些父母认为他们拥有孩子(把孩子当自己的所有物),而不认为孩子也是个性鲜明的人。
认为父母拥有他们的孩子,父母控制着孩子的一举一动并与之互动。孩子长大后父母并没有逐渐放松控制,父母把孩子设计成他们想要的样子,而不是孩子需要或应该成为的样子。
此外,过度控制孩子的个性会扼杀他的天赋和独立性,使孩子更加依赖父母,自尊心和自信心低,孩子更容易受到伤害,他发现自己在危险或未知情况下无助和几乎没有让他成长的空间。
我们需要教孩子礼貌和良好的行为,但我们也需要给他们一个空间让他们自己学习并拥有天生的独立性,我们需要在孩子成长的时候降低控制水平,但要增加教他们礼貌,不是强制而是让他们发现他的父母毕竟是正确的。

 
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