笑话版:政治/民族/宗教类笑话若干则(上)
2022-10-05 yzy86 10266
正文翻译


(来自笑话组)W

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

一代雄主在招募一位新的首席武士。只有三个人来应征这一职位:一个日本武士,一个中国武士和一个犹太武士。

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

“一号武士,展示你的技艺吧!”皇帝下令。
日本武士走上前,打开了一个特别小的盒子,放出一只苍蝇。他拔出他的武士刀,“唰”的一声,苍蝇掉在了地上,整齐地被分成了两半!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish, swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered!

“好身手!”皇帝说。“二号武士,让我见识一下你的能力。"
中国武士胸有成竹地笑了笑,走上前,打开了一个特别小的盒子,放出一只苍蝇。他拔出他的武士刀,“唰,唰”两声,苍蝇掉在了地上,整齐地被分成了四半!

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number Three Samurai?" Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, release one fly, drew his Samurai sword, and "swoooooosh" flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."
"Dead, schmed," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. What takes REAL skill is circumcision"

“真是绝技啊!”皇帝点了点头。“三号武士,你准备如何超越他呢?” 三号武士走上前,打开一个特别小的盒子,放出一只苍蝇,拔出他的武士刀,“嗖嗖”地挥舞着他的刀,那超强的劲力生出一阵风,一路拂过房间。但嗡嗡声没有消失,那只苍蝇还在飞来飞去!
皇帝很失望,说到:“你这也算本事?那苍蝇都还没死呢。”
"死,笨蛋,"犹太武士回答,“死太容易了。真正考验技艺的是割礼。”
(评论区)

elpajaroquemamais
The first Jewish president gets elected and he calls his mom to tell her the news.

史上第一位犹太裔总统当选了,于是他打电话给母亲,好告诉她这个消息。

“Mom, I’ve been elected president. I want you to come to the inauguration”
“Well, what will I wear?”
“I’ll send you to a tailor and you can get whatever you want custom made.”
“Is the food there going to be Kosher?”
“Mom, I’m the president, they’ll serve what I tell them to.”
“The traffic in Washington will be horrible. I don’t want to drive”
“Mom I’ll send a limo to pick you up and drop you off”

“妈妈,我选上总统了。我希望你能来参加就职典礼。”
“好吧,那我穿什么呢?”
“我会把你送到裁缝那里,你想要什么样的衣服都能给你定做。”
“那里会提供犹太洁食吗?”
“妈妈,我可是总统,我让他们上什么菜,他们都会照办的。”
“华盛顿的交通情况会很可怕。我不想开车。”
“妈妈,我会派一辆豪华轿车来接送你。”

Finally he convinces her and she attends, seated between the Supreme Court and the cabinet members. She reaches out and nudges the Chief Justice on the arm and says, “Hey, you see that boy up there giving that speech?”
“Yes ma’am”
“His brother’s a doctor”

最后他还是说服了她,她也出席了,坐在了最高法院的人和阁僚之间。她伸手轻轻推了推首席大法官的胳膊,说:“嘿,看到那个在上面发表演讲的男孩了吗?”
“看到了,夫人。”
“他哥哥是个医生。”

Difficult_Advice_720
True story, I went on a business trip with a Jewish coworker. Met him in the hotel for breakfast, and I see him just standing and staring at the table where the breakfast 'buffet' is laid out. I go over and ask if he's ok, he looks at me with a dead expression and said he was just trying to figure out if he should disappoint his mother or his father.... I'm like dude what? He just points at the big tray and says 'free bacon'......

这是一个真实的故事,我和一个犹太同事一起出差。和他约在酒店见面一起吃早餐,我看到他就这么直挺挺地站在那里,死盯着摆放“自助”早餐的桌子看。我走过去询问他还好吗,他一脸死气地看着我,说他只是在苦思冥想,是应该让他的母亲失望,还是让他的父亲失望...我心说,老兄,你在说什么乱七八糟的?他直直地指着大盘子说“免费培根”…

Joke about Jewish never turning down free stuff. something abt greed. But also about Pork being haram. unholy to eat. Turning down a free offering would disappoint the father but going ahead to eat the unholy would disappoint his mother.
I think that's the implication .I don't know

(回)这个笑话说的是,犹太人对免费的东西从来都是来者不拒的。和贪婪有点关系。但也涉及到禁食猪肉。吃它便是破教规。拒绝免费的东西会让他的父亲失望,但去吃不合教规的东西会让他的母亲失望。
我想这就是个中意涵。我也不确定。

Meta_Professor
To quote a Rabbi I used to work with, "Shit happens, usually to the Jews".

引用以前一位同事的话,他是位拉比:“破事儿时有发生,但通常都会发生在犹太人身上。”

I know, I know. We are Your chosen people. But, once in a while, can't You choose someone else?

(回)懂的懂的。我们是您的选民。但您偶尔就不能选选别人吗?

Zagmut
An old jew, holocaust survivor, dies and goes to heaven. Standing before god’s throne, the old jew asks god if he can tell the almighty a joke. God says "sure", and the so the old jew tells the almighty a holocaust joke. God frowns and tells the jew "that’s not funny", but the old jew just shrugs and responds "guess you had to be there."

有个犹太老人,他是大屠杀的幸存者,死后上了天堂。这位犹太老人站在上帝的宝座前,问上帝他能不能给全能的上帝讲个笑话。上帝说,“当然可以”,于是犹太老人就给全能的上帝讲了一个关于大屠杀的笑话。上帝眉头一皱,告诉犹太老人说,“这可不好笑”,但犹太老人只是耸了耸肩,回答说,“我猜当时你肯定在那里。”

-----------------
Donald Trump finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and a genie comes out.

唐纳德·特朗普发现了一盏神灯。他擦了擦它,一个精灵冒了出来。

Genie: "I grant you three wishes."
Trump: "I'm tired of getting sued for everything I do. I want there to be no more courts.
Genie: "Granted. You have no wishes left."
Trump: "What the hell? You told me I had three wishes, and I only used one!"
Genie: "Sue me."

精灵:“我愿意满足你三个愿望。”
特朗普:“我厌倦了自己做什么都会被起诉。我希望法院不复存在。”
精灵:“准了。你的愿望用完了。”
特朗普:“搞什么啊?你明明告诉我可以许三个愿望,而我只用掉了一个!”
精灵:“去告我呀。”
(评论区)89

iMin3Ra1n
Dude just queues up the first thing on his mind and just lets his brain leak out of his mouth, I swear to God. Trump's speeches have been nothing more than mumble and babble to me.

这家伙无非是让他脑子里冒出来的第一件事去排队等待,然后让他的脑子从他的嘴里漏出来,我可以向上帝发誓。在我看来,特朗普的演讲不过是喃喃自语和胡言乱语,没别的了。

cheapycheaps
Shouldn’t it be more like:
Donald Trump rubs the lamp
Genie “Oh not you again, I already made you a billionaire, gave you a hot wife and made you president! I told you, you’re on your own now!”

更接近的不该是这样的吗:
唐纳德·特朗普擦了擦灯
精灵:“咦,怎么又是你,我已经让你成为了亿万富翁,赏了你一个性感的妻子,还让你当了总统!我之前都告诉过你了,你现在只能靠自己了!”

doowgad1
Obama has to chat with Trump on Inauguration Day. Michelle advises him to tell Trump about the White House staff.
Obama tells Trump that Charlie, the White House barber is great.
"He shaves me every morning. A hot towel and some bay rum and I'm ready for anything."
Trump says "If I used bay rum, Melania would tell me I smelled like a whorehouse."
Obama says "Guess I'm lucky. Michelle has no idea what a whorehouse smells like."

奥巴马不得不在就职典礼当天和特朗普寒暄一番。米歇尔建议他跟特朗普讲讲白宫工作人员的情况。
奥巴马告诉特朗普,白宫的理发师查理手艺很棒。
“他每天早上都会给我刮胡子。还会给我送上一条热毛巾和一些湾朗姆酒(译注:某种须后水),这样我就准备好迎接一切了。”
特朗普说:“如果我用了湾朗姆酒,梅拉尼娅就会告诉我说,我身上有妓院的味儿。”
奥巴马说:“那恐怕就是我的幸运了。米歇尔完全不知道妓院是个什么味儿。”
(译注:湾朗姆酒(bay rum)为某种须后水)

-----------------
Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...
... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

普京在乌克兰危机期间心脏病发作,并陷入了昏迷...
...几年后他苏醒了,重新站了起来,经过那个睡着了的警卫,走出了他的房间。

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appearance. After wandering around for a bit, he stumbles into the nearest bar. He sits down at the bar and orders a full glass of vodka.

他走出医院,来到莫斯科的街头,发现大多数人都认不出他。几年的植物人状态似乎已经伤及了他的外表。在四处游荡了一会儿后,他跌跌撞撞地走进了离他最近的一家酒吧。他坐上吧台,点了一整杯伏特加。

He sips nervously and musters the courage to ask the bartender: "What year is it?"
The bartender is confused, but replies: "2025..."
Putin takes another sip of his drink to process this information. He then asks: "And Crimea, is it still ours?"
Bartender proudly replies: "Still ours!"
Putin nods in approval and takes another sip. Then, he follows: "And Kiev, is it also ours?"
Bartender replies: "Kiev also ours."

他惊魂未定地抿了一小口,鼓起勇气问酒保,“今年是哪一年?”
酒保很困惑,但还是回答说,“2025年...”
普京又抿了一口酒,以便消化这个信息。他接着问道,“那克里米亚呢,它还是我们的吗?”
酒保自豪地回答:“还是我们的!”
普京赞许地点点头,又喝了一口。他接着文,“那基辅呢,也是我们的吗?”
酒保回答说:“基辅也是我们的。”

A big, happy grin appears on Putin's face, as he finally finishes the drink and asks the bartender: "How much for the vodka?"
Bartender: "100 hryvnias!"

普京的脸颊上漾开了一个大大的笑容,他终于喝完了这杯酒,并问酒保:“这杯伏特加多少钱?”
酒保:“100格里夫纳!”

-----------------
What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes

豆腐和假阳具有什么共同点?
它们都是肉的替代品
(评论区)

Make_the_music_stop
When a girl buys a dildo, its seen as a bit of naughty fun and she is called a sexy kitten. But when I buy a 240 Volt FuckMaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream surround sound system, I'm called a pervert.

一个女孩买了一个假阳具,会被看作一种带点不正经的小乐趣,而她也会被称为性感小猫。可是当我买了一个240伏的FuckMaster Pro 5000充气乳胶娃娃,配上了可选的内置拟真高潮尖叫环绕声系统,我被说成了变态。

95in3rd
Excuse me for intruding, but, do you have a lix for such a device? Asking for a friend.

请原谅我的打扰,但你有这种设备的链接吗?我替朋友问的。

ColddFire
They both take on the flavors of what they're put in.

它们都带有被放进去的地方的味道。

iamquiteunhappy
They’re both filling but they’ll both make you dream of the real thing

它们都是填充物,但它们都会让你渴望真家伙。

Crabcontrol
Both better firm.

这两者都是越坚挺越好。

Darrylblooberry
Both are excellent vehicles for flavor

两者都是味道的绝佳载体。

AlaskanWolf
Time to be pedantic in a joke subreddit:
Using tofu as a meat substitute is not using tofu right.
Give Mapo Tofu a shot. It's main ingredients are pork and tofu together. It's delicious.

是时候在笑话版里卖弄一下学问了。
把豆腐当成肉的替代品,并不是豆腐的正确用法。
给麻婆豆腐一个机会吧。它的主要成分是猪肉和豆腐。它很美味。

-----------------
Raphaeldagamer
Q: How many roaches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Can't tell, as soon as the light goes on, they scatter!

问:拧上一个灯泡需要多少只蟑螂?
答:这可说不好,灯一亮,它们就会一哄而散!

Q: How many narcissist does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: one. He just holds the lightbulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

问:换一个灯泡需要多少个自恋狂?
答:一个。他只须握着灯泡,然后等着全世界绕着他转。

-----------------
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"

X教授问一个女孩:“作为变种人你的超能力是什么?”
女孩回答道:“我可以猜出在第一次尝试时,拉多少下才能把吊扇关掉!”
她手指上方,说:“拉三下”
X教授站起来,拉了三下。拉完第三下后,风扇就被关掉了。
X教授:“是很酷,但这不算是真正的超能力...”
女孩:“是的,我只是开个玩笑,我真正的能力是治愈截瘫患者。”
此刻依然站着的X教授:“我的上帝啊!”

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