为什么一些人自恋的同时又讨厌自己？

By Bryan Lufkin

作者：布莱恩.拉夫金

People who chronically brag and boast are grating – and, at times, repellent. But a surprising truth about narcissists might help us feel unexpected compassion for them.

习惯性自吹自擂的人令人讨厌，有时甚至令人反感。但一个关于自恋者的令人惊讶的事实可能会让我们对他们产生意想不到的同情。
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In a world where humility is valued, some of the most grating people are those who constantly name-drop, brag, claim credit and opine about their brilliance. These qualities set off loud alarm bells of a narcissist in our presence – the kind of person who makes us roll our eyes and gnash our teeth.

在这个崇尚谦逊的世界里，那些不断抬高自己、吹嘘自己、邀功并夸耀自己才华的人往往令人生厌。自恋者是那种让我们翻白眼、咬牙切齿的人，这些特质会给我们身边的自恋者敲响警钟。

It’s hard to find compassion for a someone who’s full of themself – and, in many cases, it’s unclear why we’d want to sympathise with the people who repel us most. However, research indicates that unlike Narcissus staring at himself reflecting in the pool, many narcissists actually aren’t in love with themselves after all.

我们很难对一个自我满足的人产生同情。而且，在很多情况下，我们也不清楚有什么必要去同情那些最排斥我们的人。然而，研究表明，不像顾影自怜的水仙花，很多自恋者其实并不爱自己。

Quite the opposite, in fact.

事实上，恰恰相反。

Much of the time, a narcissist’s behaviour isn’t driven by self-love – rather, self-hatred. New findings reinforce this idea, noting that narcissistic behaviour like flexing on social media might come from low self-esteem and a constant need for self-validation. The fact that some narcissists might actually dislike themselves not only debunks the common school of thought around braggarts, but also suggests that we might want to rethink the way we interact with narcissists.

很多时候，自恋者的一些行为不是由自爱驱动的，而是自我憎恨。新的研究发现强化了这一观点，新发现指出，像在社交媒体上炫耀的自恋行为可能源于自卑和对自我认同的持续需求。一些自恋者可能真的不喜欢自己，这一事实不仅扭转了人们关于自恋者的普遍看法，也表明我们可能需要重新思考我们与自恋者互动的方式。

'They don't feel good'

他们并非自我感觉良好

"Narcissists tend to be very charming and outgoing, and they can make very good first impressions," says Robin Edelstein, professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, US. "But they also tend to be somewhat disagreeable, lacking in empathy and manipulative."

美国密歇根大学心理学教授Robin Edelstein表示:“自恋者往往非常有魅力、外向开朗，他们也能给人留下很好的第一印象。但他们也往往有些乖戾，缺乏同理心，还善于操纵别人。”

In an employment setting, that can mean taking credit for other people's work, blaming colleagues for mistakes, taking advantage of others to get ahead or responding to feedback with hostility, explains Edelstein. Socially, this may manifest as showing off on social media, or usurping attention over brunch at the expense of someone else.

Edelstein解释说，在就业环境中，这可能意味着自恋者会抢别人的功劳，推卸责任，利用别人上位，或者不能够虚心接受他人意见。在社交方面，这可能表现为在社交媒体上炫耀，或以牺牲他人为代价获取利益。

A common misconception is that this behaviour stems from intense self-love, self-obsession and self-centredness. But the cause could be just the opposite.

一种对他们这些行为的常见的误解是，这种行为源于强烈的自爱、自恋和自我中心。但原因可能恰恰相反。

"Narcissistic individuals are actually really hamstrung by insecurity and shame, and their entire life is an attempt to regulate their image," says Ramani Durvasula, a licenced clinical psychologist and professor at California State University, Los Angeles. "Narcissism has never been about self-love – it is almost entirely about self-loathing."

洛杉矶加州州立大学的注册临床心理学家和教授Ramani Durvasula说:“自恋的人实际上是被不安全感和羞耻感束缚住了，他们的整个生活都在试图调整自己的形象。自恋从来不是爱自己，相反，它几乎是一种完全的自我厌恶。”

It's long been established that there are two types of narcissists: "vulnerable" ones, who have low self-esteem and crave affirmation, and "grandiose" ones, who have a genuinely overinflated sense of self.

长期以来，人们一直认为有两种自恋者: 一种是“脆弱的”自恋者，他们自卑，渴望得到肯定;另一种是“浮夸的”自恋者，他们自我感觉良好甚至过度膨胀。
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A new study from New York University shows that grandiose narcissists might not be considered narcissists at all, because their behaviour could resemble psychopathy – a related condition in which people act with no empathy in self-serving ways. The research team suggests vulnerable types are the true narcissists, because they don't seek power or dominance, but rather affirmation and attention that elevate their status and image in the minds of others.

纽约大学的一项新研究表明，浮夸的自恋者可能根本不被认为是自恋者，因为他们的行为可能类似于精神病，因为精神病里有一种与之相关的情况，即人们以自私的方式行事，没有同情心。研究小组表示，脆弱型才是真正的自恋者，因为他们不追求权力或支配权，只是为了寻求肯定和关注，希望通过自己的行为提升他们在他人心目中的地位和形象。

"They do not feel good about themselves at all," says Pascal Wallisch, clinical associate professor at New York University and senior author of the study. "The paper is not to demonise narcissists at all – on the contrary, we need a lot more compassion."

纽约大学临床副教授、该研究的高级作者Pascal Wallisch说:“他们完全没有自由感觉良好。这篇论文并不是要妖魔化自恋者，相反，我们需要对他们报以更多的同情。”

The study involved nearly 300 undergraduate university students, who answered questionnaires that measured personality traits, like being insecure or unempathetic, with statements like "I tend to lack remorse" or "It matters that I am seen at important events". They found that unlike grandiose narcissists, vulnerable narcissists were the group who most manifested insecurity and other related traits.

这项研究的参与者有近300名大学生，在研究中，他们回答了关于性格特征的问卷，比如缺乏安全感或缺乏同情心，比如“我倾向于没有懊悔”或“在重要场合被人看到很重要”等问题。他们发现，与浮夸型自恋者不同，脆弱型自恋者最容易表现出不安全感和其他相关特征。
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So, when you see someone name-dropping at work, plastering selfies on Instagram or being touchy to feedback that makes them look bad, they could very well be a vulnerable (or "true") narcissist. Their constant need for attention and apparent obsession with self comes from deep insecurities they're trying to cover up.

所以，当你看到有人在工作中抬高自己，在Instagram上晒自拍照，或者对让自己难堪的反馈过于敏感时，他们很可能是脆弱的(或“真正的”)自恋者。他们对关注的持续需求和明显的自我困扰源自于他们试图掩盖的深层不安全感。

A vicious cycle

一个恶性循环

Of course, seeking positive reinforcement to make ourselves feel better is something everybody does from time to time – and doesn’t necessarily make someone a narcissist.

当然，寻求正强化让自己感觉更好是每个人时不时都会做的事，但这样做并不一定会让某人成为自恋者。
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"Seeking out self-enhancement is a normal aspect of personality. We all try to seek out experiences that boost our self-esteem," says Nicole Cain, associate professor of clinical psychology at Rutgers University in New Jersey, US. But narcissism can lead to "self-enhancement becomes the overriding goal in nearly all situations, and may be sought out in problematic and inappropriate ways".

美国新泽西州罗格斯大学临床心理学副教授Nicole Cain说：“寻求自我提升是人格的一个正常表现。我们都有试图寻找能提升自尊的经历。但是，自恋的人可能会将自我提升作为几乎所有情况下的首要目标，并可能以有问题和不恰当的方式寻求所谓的提升”。

In these cases, behaviours aimed at boosting external validation can backfire, because people end up liking the individual less. Wallisch calls the resulting cyclic, repetitive behaviour a "maladaptive cascade", a self-defeating cycle that comes in three phases. It starts off with a vulnerable narcissist fearing that others aren't perceiving them in a certain way – so then they self-aggrandise to alleviate that fear. But paradoxically, others are put off by the behaviour, leading the narcissist right back to square one – and, in fact, the other person might view them even less favourably than before. That's what interests Wallisch most: the narcissist clearly isn't being rewarded for this behaviour, but they do it anyway, because they mistakenly view it as a means of alleviating pain and fear.

在这些情况下，旨在增强外部认可的行为可能会适得其反，因为人们最终会更不喜欢这个人。Wallisch将由此产生的循环、重复的行为称为“不适应级联”，这是一个分三个阶段的自我挫败的循环。一开始是脆弱的自恋者害怕别人没有以某种方式感知他们，于是他们通过自我膨胀来缓解这种恐惧。但矛盾的是，其他人会对自恋者的这种行为感到厌恶，导致自恋者回到原点。事实上，其他人可能会比以前更不喜欢他们。这就是Wallisch最感兴趣的地方:自恋者显然没有因为这种行为而得到奖励，但他们还是这么做了，因为他们错误地认为这是减轻痛苦和恐惧的一种手段。

"Narcissistic people have an idea of how they want to be seen, and don't feel they measure up to that," says Durvasula. "So, they have to portray themselves [in a certain way], and then because they behave badly to do that, they end up experiencing social rejection anyhow, and the cycle keeps happening."

Durvasula说:“自恋的人知道自己希望别人怎么看他们，而且觉得自己不符合这个标准。所以，他们必须[以某种方式]塑造自己，然后又因为他们通过一些不好的行为来塑造自己，结果他们最终会遭遇社会排斥，而这样的循环往复发生。”

While this rarely ends in a good place, Wallisch suggests that "we can't take these behaviours at face value, especially if someone is boasting and blustering". He adds, "It doesn't mean they actually feel good about themselves. Something is lacking in their life." He says these kinds of vulnerable narcissists might actually hate themselves. "It's very sad and tragic. They feel like they are never going to be good enough. If they become a billionaire, that's not going to help with the [root] psychological issue."

虽然这种行为很少会有好的结果，但Wallisch表示，“我们不能只从表面上看这些行为，尤其是如果有人在自吹自擂的时候。”他补充说:“自夸并不意味着他们对自己感觉良好。实际上，他们的生活缺少了一些东西。” 这些脆弱的自恋者可能真的非常讨厌自己。“这是非常悲伤和不幸的。他们觉得自己永远都不够好。即使他们成为亿万富翁，也无助于解决(根本的)心理问题。”

Misunderstood and misnamed?

误解和误称?

There's still a lot we don't know about narcissists in general, though. Some experts say the tug of war between self-love and self-loathing, and the idea they're self-promotional because they want to hide insecurities, doesn't fully explain the behaviour.

但总的来说，我们对自恋者还有很多不了解的地方。一些专家说，自爱和自我厌恶之间的拉锯战，以及他们自我推销是源于他们想隐藏不安全感的观点，并不能完全解释他们的行为。

"This is a very hard question to test," says Edelstein. "How do you really know what a person feels deep down but is either unwilling or unable to express?"

Edelstein说:“这是一个很难测试的问题。毕竟对于一个不愿或无法表达的人来说，几乎不可能真正知道一个人内心深处的感受。”

It's also not clear how understanding what's driving narcissism will help curb the behaviour. Most narcissists don't realise that they are the problem, says Edelstein, something that makes tackling the issue hard. "Narcissists tend to be resistant to change because they see the locus of most problems in others rather than themselves," she says. "I think a person needs to be fairly self-motivated for any sort of intervention to be effective for any personality trait, but narcissism seems to be particularly sticky."

目前还不清楚了解自恋的成因可以如何帮助抑制这种行为。Edelstein说，大多数自恋者没有意识到他们就是问题所在，这使得解决问题变得困难。“自恋者往往抗拒改变，因为他们把大多数问题的根源放在别人身上，而不是自己身上，”她还说：“我认为，一个人需要具有相当强的自我激励能力，才能对任何一种人格特质进行有效的干预，但自恋癖似乎尤其顽固，难以被干预。”

Cain, who suggests intensive psychotherapy is the best way to treat narcissism, says workers dealing with narcissistic colleagues should recognise that they are unlikely to be able to change them, persuade them or win an argument with them. "Set realistic expectations for your interactions with them. At work, clearly define roles. Don't get pulled into a competition with them," she says.

Cain认为，强化心理治疗是治疗自恋的最好方法。她表示，与自恋的同事打交道的员工应该认识到，他们不太可能改变他们、说服他们或赢得与他们的争论。“为你和他们的互动设定现实的期望。在工作中，明确定义角色。不要和他们竞争。”

Remembering that their actions may well come from a place of insecurity could also help you view them with more compassion. "I think the best strategy for dealing with narcissists may be to try to understand where they're coming from," says Edelstein, "and that much of their behaviour comes from deep-seated insecurities and attempts to minimise their own vulnerabilities – as opposed to a reflection of your own inadequacies."

记住他们的行为可能源自一个不安全的地方这种观点也可以帮助你对他们报以更多的同情。“我认为最好的策略来处理自恋者可能就是试图理解他们的不安全感从哪里来,”Edelstein说,“他们大部分的行为来自根深蒂固的不安全感和最小化自己的弱点的尝试,他们只是不想暴漏自己的不足。”

"I think people cover up mental pain quite a bit – by posturing, and other things," says Wallisch. "It's adds to the tragedy. They're misunderstood."

Wallisch说:“我认为人们通过故作姿态和其他方式来掩盖精神上的痛苦的行为反而增加了悲剧。他们会因为自己的这些行为被误解。”