找伴侣难吗?为什么?(一)
正文翻译
Is finding a partner hard? Why?
找伴侣难吗?为什么?
Is finding a partner hard? Why?
找伴侣难吗?为什么?
评论翻译
Feef, studied at Bachelor of Arts Degrees in Journalism
Feef，攻读新闻学学士学位
Feef，攻读新闻学学士学位
Finding a partner is not difficult. Finding the right partner is challenging if you don’t know yourself or what you should be looking for.
You know those people with certain food intolerances which they’re oblivious to? They spend their whole life eating red meat and wonder why they’re always bloated. It’s not until they pay attention to their bodies and eating patterns and possibly even seek the help of a nutritionist that they realise what the problem is and how to fix it. Then they wish they’d discovered it all much sooner.
Welcome to my world, right now. All that emotional red meat all those years (25 to be exact) and I’m just now finally realising why I always felt so sluggish.
We all have childhood baggage. Yes, even those who had seemingly idyllic childhoods. My ex-husband, for example, would tell you he had a GREAT childhood and fantastic parents. They were, and still are, happily married and have never fought. He respects them both to the moon and back. My ex grew up in a house devoid of any form of confrontation or disharmony. He has fond memories of camping holidays. He was given freedom to pursue his dreams. All good stuff. But, dig deeper and you’ll find that the very reserved and stoic atmosphere meant a lack of physical affection and a propensity to sweep absolutely everything under the rug.
找到伴侣并不难。如果你不了解自己或不知道自己应该寻找什么，那么找到合适的伴侣是一项挑战。
你知道那些有某种食物不耐受症的人，他们一辈子都在吃红肉，而他们却不知道为什么他们总是臃肿。直到他们注意自己的身体和饮食习惯，甚至可能寻求营养师的帮助，他们才意识到问题是什么以及如何解决问题。然后他们再希望他们能早点发现这一切。
欢迎此刻来到我的世界。这些年来（准确地说是25岁），我终于意识到为什么我总是感觉如此迟钝。
我们都有童年的包袱。即使是那些看似田园诗歌般的童年也有。例如，我的前夫会告诉你，他有一个美好的童年，有一对非常棒的父母。他们过去是，现在仍然是幸福的婚姻，从来没有打过架。他对他们都非常尊敬。我的前任在一个没有任何对抗或任何不和谐的环境里长大。他对野营度假有着美好的回忆。他得到了追求梦想的自由。都是好东西。但是，深入挖掘，你会发现这种含蓄和坚忍的氛围意味着缺乏身体上的感情，并倾向于掩盖一切。
You know those people with certain food intolerances which they’re oblivious to? They spend their whole life eating red meat and wonder why they’re always bloated. It’s not until they pay attention to their bodies and eating patterns and possibly even seek the help of a nutritionist that they realise what the problem is and how to fix it. Then they wish they’d discovered it all much sooner.
Welcome to my world, right now. All that emotional red meat all those years (25 to be exact) and I’m just now finally realising why I always felt so sluggish.
We all have childhood baggage. Yes, even those who had seemingly idyllic childhoods. My ex-husband, for example, would tell you he had a GREAT childhood and fantastic parents. They were, and still are, happily married and have never fought. He respects them both to the moon and back. My ex grew up in a house devoid of any form of confrontation or disharmony. He has fond memories of camping holidays. He was given freedom to pursue his dreams. All good stuff. But, dig deeper and you’ll find that the very reserved and stoic atmosphere meant a lack of physical affection and a propensity to sweep absolutely everything under the rug.
找到伴侣并不难。如果你不了解自己或不知道自己应该寻找什么，那么找到合适的伴侣是一项挑战。
你知道那些有某种食物不耐受症的人，他们一辈子都在吃红肉，而他们却不知道为什么他们总是臃肿。直到他们注意自己的身体和饮食习惯，甚至可能寻求营养师的帮助，他们才意识到问题是什么以及如何解决问题。然后他们再希望他们能早点发现这一切。
欢迎此刻来到我的世界。这些年来（准确地说是25岁），我终于意识到为什么我总是感觉如此迟钝。
我们都有童年的包袱。即使是那些看似田园诗歌般的童年也有。例如，我的前夫会告诉你，他有一个美好的童年，有一对非常棒的父母。他们过去是，现在仍然是幸福的婚姻，从来没有打过架。他对他们都非常尊敬。我的前任在一个没有任何对抗或任何不和谐的环境里长大。他对野营度假有着美好的回忆。他得到了追求梦想的自由。都是好东西。但是，深入挖掘，你会发现这种含蓄和坚忍的氛围意味着缺乏身体上的感情，并倾向于掩盖一切。
During our 18 year marriage, he was an emotionally detached individual who lacked empathy. He feigned it, but it wasn’t genuine. He avoided confrontation, always. So, he had baggage. Nowhere near my amount, but baggage nonetheless.
And my ex-boyfriend? Pfft. He’s like an airport carousel, he’s got so much baggage. An out-and-out narcissist.
My own baggage meant I gravitated toward these two personality types, and they to me. I willingly entered these relationships. I put up with them, because I was myself damaged on some level. And I spent years expecting back from these two people what I wasn’t even able to give to myself—unconditional love and acceptance, warts and all.
So, I’m on a journey now. Not one that involves romance, but a journey of self-discovery. In the past few months, I’ve had begin to realise what you deserve and expect from any of your relationships, be they professional, personal or romantic.
在我们18年的婚姻生活中，他是一个情感超然的人，缺乏同理心。他假装有但不是真的。他总是避免对抗，所以，他是有包袱的。虽然和我的数量相差甚远，但还是有。
我的前男友（Pfft）呢？他就像一个机场的旋转木马，他的包袱太多了，一个彻头彻尾的自恋者。
我自己的包袱意味着我被这两种性格类型所吸引。我自愿加入这些关系。我忍受了他们，因为我自己在某种程度上受到了伤害。我花了很多年的时间期待这两个人能给我无条件的爱和接受所有的缺点。
所以，我现在正在旅行。这不是一次浪漫的旅行，而是一次自我发现的旅程。在过去的几个月里，我开始意识到自己应该从任何一段关系中得到什么，无论是职业的、个人的还是浪漫的。
And my ex-boyfriend? Pfft. He’s like an airport carousel, he’s got so much baggage. An out-and-out narcissist.
My own baggage meant I gravitated toward these two personality types, and they to me. I willingly entered these relationships. I put up with them, because I was myself damaged on some level. And I spent years expecting back from these two people what I wasn’t even able to give to myself—unconditional love and acceptance, warts and all.
So, I’m on a journey now. Not one that involves romance, but a journey of self-discovery. In the past few months, I’ve had begin to realise what you deserve and expect from any of your relationships, be they professional, personal or romantic.
在我们18年的婚姻生活中，他是一个情感超然的人，缺乏同理心。他假装有但不是真的。他总是避免对抗，所以，他是有包袱的。虽然和我的数量相差甚远，但还是有。
我的前男友（Pfft）呢？他就像一个机场的旋转木马，他的包袱太多了，一个彻头彻尾的自恋者。
我自己的包袱意味着我被这两种性格类型所吸引。我自愿加入这些关系。我忍受了他们，因为我自己在某种程度上受到了伤害。我花了很多年的时间期待这两个人能给我无条件的爱和接受所有的缺点。
所以，我现在正在旅行。这不是一次浪漫的旅行，而是一次自我发现的旅程。在过去的几个月里，我开始意识到自己应该从任何一段关系中得到什么，无论是职业的、个人的还是浪漫的。
Melissa Myer, works at The University of Texas at Austin
Melissa Myer在得克萨斯大学奥斯汀分校工作
Melissa Myer在得克萨斯大学奥斯汀分校工作
Many people assume that getting older means becoming more set in your ways, being intolerant to anyone who exhibits a bare modicum of individual difference. I saw this a lot in online dating, with men whipping out absurdities like, “You must love camping”, “You must enjoy adventure travel”, etc. There was one guy who stated in his profile that the woman he met must have a lot of time and money to go ice-climbing. These folks want BFFs and running buddies, not life partners. This is one example of such intolerance and worthy of a mental memo: stay away.
But speaking on behalf of us rational and well-reasoned folks, it seems to boil down to this: we’re wise enough to know what won’t work for us. We know from past experience that we turned a blind eye to some really big things. If someone has too much baggage, we’ll end up carrying a lot of it.
When you’re essentially still a child, you think like a child, which is to say, magically. Younger adults get involved with others randomly and irrationally—because they’re physically attractive or because they have a decent personality. But over time, you learn that all of the attractiveness and personality in the world won’t make up for an absence of work ethic, sound decision-making, communication skills, or self-esteem.
许多人认为，变老意味着你的方式变得更加固定，对任何表现出一点点个人差异的人都不会宽容。我在网上约会中经常看到这种情况，男人们会胡说“你一定喜欢露营”、“你一定喜欢冒险旅行”等等。有一个男人在他的个人资料中说，他遇到的女人一定有很多时间和金钱去攀登冰坡。这些人想要的是永远最好的朋友和跑步伙伴，而不是生活伴侣。这是不会容忍的一个例子，值得我们在脑海里记下一句话：走开。
但论及我们这些理性和通情达理的人来说，似乎可以归结为：我们足够聪明，知道什么对我们不起作用。我们从过去的经验中知道，我们对一些真正重大的事情视而不见。如果有人有太多的包袱，我们最终也会带很多包袱。
当你本质上还是个孩子的时候，你会像孩子一样思考，也就是说，神奇地思考。年轻人随意地、非理性地与他人交往，是因为他们的外表很吸引人，或者是因为他们的个性很好。但随着时间的推移，你会发现，世界上所有的吸引力和个性都无法弥补职业道德、健全决策、沟通技巧或自尊的缺失。
But speaking on behalf of us rational and well-reasoned folks, it seems to boil down to this: we’re wise enough to know what won’t work for us. We know from past experience that we turned a blind eye to some really big things. If someone has too much baggage, we’ll end up carrying a lot of it.
When you’re essentially still a child, you think like a child, which is to say, magically. Younger adults get involved with others randomly and irrationally—because they’re physically attractive or because they have a decent personality. But over time, you learn that all of the attractiveness and personality in the world won’t make up for an absence of work ethic, sound decision-making, communication skills, or self-esteem.
许多人认为，变老意味着你的方式变得更加固定，对任何表现出一点点个人差异的人都不会宽容。我在网上约会中经常看到这种情况，男人们会胡说“你一定喜欢露营”、“你一定喜欢冒险旅行”等等。有一个男人在他的个人资料中说，他遇到的女人一定有很多时间和金钱去攀登冰坡。这些人想要的是永远最好的朋友和跑步伙伴，而不是生活伴侣。这是不会容忍的一个例子，值得我们在脑海里记下一句话：走开。
但论及我们这些理性和通情达理的人来说，似乎可以归结为：我们足够聪明，知道什么对我们不起作用。我们从过去的经验中知道，我们对一些真正重大的事情视而不见。如果有人有太多的包袱，我们最终也会带很多包袱。
当你本质上还是个孩子的时候，你会像孩子一样思考，也就是说，神奇地思考。年轻人随意地、非理性地与他人交往，是因为他们的外表很吸引人，或者是因为他们的个性很好。但随着时间的推移，你会发现，世界上所有的吸引力和个性都无法弥补职业道德、健全决策、沟通技巧或自尊的缺失。
I once talked with a sociologist who researched interpersonal relationships, and she told me that what we innately examine in other is their problem-solving skills. Sadly, many outwardly mature adults exhibit poor problem-solving skills, and you can see this in how many self-inflicted burdens they bring to any new prospective relationship. I also see a lot of doubling down on piss-poor decisions. I don’t want to be the next victim of someone’s sunk cost fallacy.
The primary goal of a relationship or marriage is to stand guard over your partner
When you’re young, you still think that the power of love will change, transform, and ultimately overcome. When you get older (40+, I’d say), you understand that what you see is what you get, and it’s not going anywhere. Has nothing to do with being “set in your ways”, inflexible, or picky. You just don’t want to spend the rest of your life helping someone mop up their messes.
Clean up your own back yard if you want someone to come play in it, folks!
我曾经和一位研究人际关系的社会学家交谈过，她告诉我，我们天生就研究别人解决问题的能力。可悲的是，许多外表成熟的成年人解决问题的能力很差，你可以从他们给任何新的未来关系带来多少自我施加的负担中看出这一点。我也看到了很多人糟糕的事情下加倍下注。我不想成为某人沉没成本谬论的下一个受害者。
一段关系或婚姻的主要目标是守护伴侣
当你年轻的时候，你仍然认为爱的力量会改变、转变并最终克服。当你长大了（我想说，40岁以上），你就会明白你所看到的就是你所得到的，它怎么也改变不了，与“固步自封”、僵化或挑剔无关。你只是不想用你的余生来帮助别人收拾他们的烂摊子。
伙计们，如果你们想让别人来玩的话，清理一下你们自己的后院吧！
The primary goal of a relationship or marriage is to stand guard over your partner
When you’re young, you still think that the power of love will change, transform, and ultimately overcome. When you get older (40+, I’d say), you understand that what you see is what you get, and it’s not going anywhere. Has nothing to do with being “set in your ways”, inflexible, or picky. You just don’t want to spend the rest of your life helping someone mop up their messes.
Clean up your own back yard if you want someone to come play in it, folks!
我曾经和一位研究人际关系的社会学家交谈过，她告诉我，我们天生就研究别人解决问题的能力。可悲的是，许多外表成熟的成年人解决问题的能力很差，你可以从他们给任何新的未来关系带来多少自我施加的负担中看出这一点。我也看到了很多人糟糕的事情下加倍下注。我不想成为某人沉没成本谬论的下一个受害者。
一段关系或婚姻的主要目标是守护伴侣
当你年轻的时候，你仍然认为爱的力量会改变、转变并最终克服。当你长大了（我想说，40岁以上），你就会明白你所看到的就是你所得到的，它怎么也改变不了，与“固步自封”、僵化或挑剔无关。你只是不想用你的余生来帮助别人收拾他们的烂摊子。
伙计们，如果你们想让别人来玩的话，清理一下你们自己的后院吧！
Stephanie V, mutual respect is the secret sauce
Finding a partner is easy.
Finding a good partner is hard.
Because the higher your standards are, the fewer potential partners will meet them. But it's better to be unpartnered than to have a bad partner. A bad partner will drag you down for your whole life. My mother used to say that anybody could get married tomorrow if they were willing to lower their standards far enough. I never wanted to live that way and you probably don't either.
找到伴侣很容易。
找到一个好伴侣很难。
因为你的标准越高，符合标准的潜在合作伙伴就越少。但是，与其有一个坏的伴侣，不如没有伴侣。一个坏伴侣会拖你一生的后腿。我母亲过去常说，任何人如果愿意把自己的标准降低到足够低的水平，明天就可以结婚。我从来都不想那样生活，你可能也不想。
Finding a partner is easy.
Finding a good partner is hard.
Because the higher your standards are, the fewer potential partners will meet them. But it's better to be unpartnered than to have a bad partner. A bad partner will drag you down for your whole life. My mother used to say that anybody could get married tomorrow if they were willing to lower their standards far enough. I never wanted to live that way and you probably don't either.
找到伴侣很容易。
找到一个好伴侣很难。
因为你的标准越高，符合标准的潜在合作伙伴就越少。但是，与其有一个坏的伴侣，不如没有伴侣。一个坏伴侣会拖你一生的后腿。我母亲过去常说，任何人如果愿意把自己的标准降低到足够低的水平，明天就可以结婚。我从来都不想那样生活，你可能也不想。
Rachna Seth, I invest in relations.
When we talk of finding the right person, it means looking for someone who completely conforms to our idea of a perfect partner. We have a list of qualities we want in the other person. And the one who manages to fulfill these preconditions is the perfect one. The problem arises when the other person doesn’t find us to be as per his/her list!
People are not right or wrong for someone. They are not products that come as per specifications. They are individuals. Dynamic, continuously evolving entities. They need to be accepted with their strengths as well as shortcomings. They need to be allowed their imperfections.
Stop looking for someone perfect. Perfection is a relative notion. Look instead for a person whose core values and ideologies you can identify with. Someone whose vision matches your own. Someone who’s willing to be with you… . Someone who sees you and accepts you as you and not someone who they wish you were.
Reciprocate this feeling and find perfection in your togetherness.
当我们谈论找到合适的人时，它意味着寻找一个完全符合我们理想的完美伴侣。我们有一份清单，列出了我们想要对方具备的品质。而能够满足这些先决条件的人是完美的。当其他人发现我们不符合他/她的列表时，问题就出现了！
对某人来说，人不能说对也不能说错。人不是规格化产品。他们是个人，是动态的、是不断发展的实体。需要接受他们的优点和缺点，需要允许他们有自己的缺陷。
停止寻找完美的人。完美是一个相对的概念。相反，找一个你能认同其核心价值观和意识形态的人。一个与你的愿景相符的人。一个愿意和你在一起的人，看到你并接受你是你的人，而不是他们希望你是“那个样子”的人。
互换这种感觉，在你们的相处中变得完美。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
When we talk of finding the right person, it means looking for someone who completely conforms to our idea of a perfect partner. We have a list of qualities we want in the other person. And the one who manages to fulfill these preconditions is the perfect one. The problem arises when the other person doesn’t find us to be as per his/her list!
People are not right or wrong for someone. They are not products that come as per specifications. They are individuals. Dynamic, continuously evolving entities. They need to be accepted with their strengths as well as shortcomings. They need to be allowed their imperfections.
Stop looking for someone perfect. Perfection is a relative notion. Look instead for a person whose core values and ideologies you can identify with. Someone whose vision matches your own. Someone who’s willing to be with you… . Someone who sees you and accepts you as you and not someone who they wish you were.
Reciprocate this feeling and find perfection in your togetherness.
当我们谈论找到合适的人时，它意味着寻找一个完全符合我们理想的完美伴侣。我们有一份清单，列出了我们想要对方具备的品质。而能够满足这些先决条件的人是完美的。当其他人发现我们不符合他/她的列表时，问题就出现了！
对某人来说，人不能说对也不能说错。人不是规格化产品。他们是个人，是动态的、是不断发展的实体。需要接受他们的优点和缺点，需要允许他们有自己的缺陷。
停止寻找完美的人。完美是一个相对的概念。相反，找一个你能认同其核心价值观和意识形态的人。一个与你的愿景相符的人。一个愿意和你在一起的人，看到你并接受你是你的人，而不是他们希望你是“那个样子”的人。
互换这种感觉，在你们的相处中变得完美。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Meenakshhi Mishra, Happily married for more than two decades!
Meenakshi Mishra，结婚后幸福地过了二十多年！
Meenakshi Mishra，结婚后幸福地过了二十多年！
Finding a partner is not hard. In my opinion, maintaining a partnership is truly hard. For any relationship one has to work, so even if you get a perfect partner (don't think there is a term called perfect partner as such) you need to put effort on that relationship to maintain it.
A relationship is an ongoing job. It keeps on changing, evolving, sometimes getting better, sometimes getting worse. So one has to face those challenges sooner or later in life.
When you find somebody in life, who is more or less compatible to you, you feel great. But ‘lived happily ever after’ is truly a myth unless you are prepared— mentally, emotionally to handle it well.
找到伴侣并不难。在我看来，维持伙伴关系确实很难。对于任何一段关系来说，每个人都需要去努力，所以即使你找到了一个完美的伴侣（不要认为有所谓完美伴侣），你也需要努力去维持这段关系。
保持关系是一项持续的工作。它不断变化，不断进化，有时变得更好，有时变得更糟。所以人迟早要面对这些挑战。
当你在生活中找到一个或多或少适合你的人时，你会感觉很棒。但是“从此过上幸福快乐的生活”真的是一个神话，除非你在心理上、情感上做好了处理好它的准备。
A relationship is an ongoing job. It keeps on changing, evolving, sometimes getting better, sometimes getting worse. So one has to face those challenges sooner or later in life.
When you find somebody in life, who is more or less compatible to you, you feel great. But ‘lived happily ever after’ is truly a myth unless you are prepared— mentally, emotionally to handle it well.
找到伴侣并不难。在我看来，维持伙伴关系确实很难。对于任何一段关系来说，每个人都需要去努力，所以即使你找到了一个完美的伴侣（不要认为有所谓完美伴侣），你也需要努力去维持这段关系。
保持关系是一项持续的工作。它不断变化，不断进化，有时变得更好，有时变得更糟。所以人迟早要面对这些挑战。
当你在生活中找到一个或多或少适合你的人时，你会感觉很棒。但是“从此过上幸福快乐的生活”真的是一个神话，除非你在心理上、情感上做好了处理好它的准备。
Kevyn Nightingale, Married for a while - a long while
Because there are so few people who meet that descxtion.
That doesn’t mean there aren’t any good people, only that there are very few who are good for you.
And the odds of meeting them are pretty low.
Think about how many people live in your city - a million? 5 million? 100,000? You’re not likely to meet anyone who doesn’t live in your city often enough to form a relationship. Let’s use a million people.
Eliminate the people who are not in a reasonable age range for dating. If you’re a man, this basically means half your age, plus 7, up to your age. If your a woman, do the reverse. Yes, people marry outside these ranges, but it’s pretty rare. We’re talking odds here, not universalities. That eliminates about 75% of the population, depending on your age and location. 250K left
Take that number and divide by two. If you’re like virtually everyone, you strongly prefer a mate of only one sex. 125K left
Of those people, some (around 6%) will not prefer your sex. 108K left
Now eliminate the people who are already coupled up. In Canada 71% of people aged 25 to 64 are married or in a common-law relationship. 31K left.
This is before you get to any of your specific desires in a mate: Height, weight, hair color, looks, personality, income, job type, night hawk or early bird. Then you get to things like “does he pick his teeth with his fingernails?” and “does she leave her toothpaste tube open on the sink all day?”
因为符合这种描述的人太少了。
这并不意味着没有好人，只是对你有好处的人很少。
而且遇到他们的几率很低。
想想有多少人住在你的城市-：100万？500万？10万? 你不太可能与一个不常在你的城市生活的人来建立关系。让我们使用一百万人来分析。
排除那些年龄段不适合约会的人。如果你是男人，这基本上意味着你年龄的一半，加上7岁，直到你的年龄。如果你是一个女人，那就反过来做。人们是可能在这些范围之外选择一个人结婚，但这是非常罕见的。我们这里说的是几率，不是普遍性。根据您的年龄和位置，这将减少大约75%的人口，即在25万左右。
把那个数字除以2。如果你和几乎所有人一样，单性恋，那么剩12.5万人。
在这些人中，有些人（约6%）不喜欢你的性生活，即剩10.8万人
现在把已经结婚的人排除在外。在加拿大，25岁至64岁的人中有71%已婚或有同居关系，剩3.1万人。
这是在你对伴侣有任何特定的欲望之前：身高、体重、头发颜色、长相、个性、收入、工作类型、夜猫子或早起鸟。然后你会问“他会用指甲剔牙吗？”和“她是不是整天把牙膏放在水槽上？”
Because there are so few people who meet that descxtion.
That doesn’t mean there aren’t any good people, only that there are very few who are good for you.
And the odds of meeting them are pretty low.
Think about how many people live in your city - a million? 5 million? 100,000? You’re not likely to meet anyone who doesn’t live in your city often enough to form a relationship. Let’s use a million people.
Eliminate the people who are not in a reasonable age range for dating. If you’re a man, this basically means half your age, plus 7, up to your age. If your a woman, do the reverse. Yes, people marry outside these ranges, but it’s pretty rare. We’re talking odds here, not universalities. That eliminates about 75% of the population, depending on your age and location. 250K left
Take that number and divide by two. If you’re like virtually everyone, you strongly prefer a mate of only one sex. 125K left
Of those people, some (around 6%) will not prefer your sex. 108K left
Now eliminate the people who are already coupled up. In Canada 71% of people aged 25 to 64 are married or in a common-law relationship. 31K left.
This is before you get to any of your specific desires in a mate: Height, weight, hair color, looks, personality, income, job type, night hawk or early bird. Then you get to things like “does he pick his teeth with his fingernails?” and “does she leave her toothpaste tube open on the sink all day?”
因为符合这种描述的人太少了。
这并不意味着没有好人，只是对你有好处的人很少。
而且遇到他们的几率很低。
想想有多少人住在你的城市-：100万？500万？10万? 你不太可能与一个不常在你的城市生活的人来建立关系。让我们使用一百万人来分析。
排除那些年龄段不适合约会的人。如果你是男人，这基本上意味着你年龄的一半，加上7岁，直到你的年龄。如果你是一个女人，那就反过来做。人们是可能在这些范围之外选择一个人结婚，但这是非常罕见的。我们这里说的是几率，不是普遍性。根据您的年龄和位置，这将减少大约75%的人口，即在25万左右。
把那个数字除以2。如果你和几乎所有人一样，单性恋，那么剩12.5万人。
在这些人中，有些人（约6%）不喜欢你的性生活，即剩10.8万人
现在把已经结婚的人排除在外。在加拿大，25岁至64岁的人中有71%已婚或有同居关系，剩3.1万人。
这是在你对伴侣有任何特定的欲望之前：身高、体重、头发颜色、长相、个性、收入、工作类型、夜猫子或早起鸟。然后你会问“他会用指甲剔牙吗？”和“她是不是整天把牙膏放在水槽上？”
Even before these specific questions get asked, you’re trying to find a mate in 3% of the population. 97 out of every 100 people you meet randomly on a given day aren’t even in the pool of potentials.
So what to do?
Computer dating isn’t it. Well probably not.
Computer dating works well for good looking people - especially those who care a lot about their potential mates’ looks. The top 10% of people by looks will get noticed by most of the others on every dating site. They have a surfeit of choices, and so they can use the dating app to narrow down their choices by way of characteristics disclosed on the site.
This is one reason I think dating sites are great - you can learn a lot about a potential date before wasting time and money on someone clearly incompatible.
But if you’re not drop-dead gorgeous, you’ll spend a lot of time for little benefit. You may have a lot to offer. You may even be nice looking. But Pareto is a real thing. People are visual, and dating sites cater to that. This is especially true for men, where 80% of women think that 80% of men are below average.
甚至在这些特定的问题被问到之前，你正在试图在3%的人口中找一个伴侣，那么你在某一天随机遇到的每100人中有97人甚至不在潜再人选中。
那怎么办呢？
网上约会不好吗，很可能不行。
网约会对长相好看的人来说很有效，尤其是那些非常在意潜在伴侣长相的人。在每个交友网站上，相貌排名前10%的人会被大多数其他人注意到。他们有太多的选择，因此他们可以使用约会应用程序，通过网站上披露的特征来缩小他们的选择范围。
这就是我认为交友网站很棒的原因之一—在把时间和金钱浪费在明显不相容的人身上之前，你可以了解一个潜在的约会对象。
但如果你不是美艳动人，你会花很多时间，却得不到什么好处。你可能可以提供很多，你甚至可能长得很漂亮，但帕累托效应是真实存在的。人们都是视觉化的，而约会网站则迎合了这一点。男性尤其如此，80%的女性认为80%的男性低于平均水平。
So what to do?
Computer dating isn’t it. Well probably not.
Computer dating works well for good looking people - especially those who care a lot about their potential mates’ looks. The top 10% of people by looks will get noticed by most of the others on every dating site. They have a surfeit of choices, and so they can use the dating app to narrow down their choices by way of characteristics disclosed on the site.
This is one reason I think dating sites are great - you can learn a lot about a potential date before wasting time and money on someone clearly incompatible.
But if you’re not drop-dead gorgeous, you’ll spend a lot of time for little benefit. You may have a lot to offer. You may even be nice looking. But Pareto is a real thing. People are visual, and dating sites cater to that. This is especially true for men, where 80% of women think that 80% of men are below average.
甚至在这些特定的问题被问到之前，你正在试图在3%的人口中找一个伴侣，那么你在某一天随机遇到的每100人中有97人甚至不在潜再人选中。
那怎么办呢？
网上约会不好吗，很可能不行。
网约会对长相好看的人来说很有效，尤其是那些非常在意潜在伴侣长相的人。在每个交友网站上，相貌排名前10%的人会被大多数其他人注意到。他们有太多的选择，因此他们可以使用约会应用程序，通过网站上披露的特征来缩小他们的选择范围。
这就是我认为交友网站很棒的原因之一—在把时间和金钱浪费在明显不相容的人身上之前，你可以了解一个潜在的约会对象。
但如果你不是美艳动人，你会花很多时间，却得不到什么好处。你可能可以提供很多，你甚至可能长得很漂亮，但帕累托效应是真实存在的。人们都是视觉化的，而约会网站则迎合了这一点。男性尤其如此，80%的女性认为80%的男性低于平均水平。
I suggest (a) setting an intention and (b) keeping your eyes out.
If you want to go somewhere, it helps to know where that is, and where you’re starting from. Think of the kind of person you want as a mate. Imagine what that person wants in a mate. Can you be that kind of person? Do you want to be that kind of person? If the answers are “yes”, then set out to become that person.
Then go to places where your preferred type will hang out. Want a lawyer wife? get involved in the law. Get a job in a law firm (yes, I’m aware of the hazards - be careful).
Want an athletic husband? Pick a sport and do it. but you like the sport. I promise you the opportunities will arise.
If you are interested in what you are doing, and you hang around people who do that thing, you will meet people interested in you doing that thing. This is even more likely if you’re good at that thing.
It’s not perfect, but it will greatly increase your odds.
我建议：
设定一个意图；睁大眼睛。
如果你想去某个地方，知道它在哪里以及你从哪里开始是很有帮助的。想想你想要什么样的人作为伴侣，想象一下那个人想要什么样的伴侣，你能成为那种人吗？你想成为那种人吗？如果答案是“是”，那么就开始成为那个人。
然后去你喜欢的类型的人会去的地方。想要一个律师妻子吗？参与法律事物。在一家律师事务所找份工作（是的，我知道其中的危险——小心）。
想要一个健壮的丈夫吗？选择一项运动并做它。但要你的确喜欢这项运动，我向你保证机会会出现的。
如果你对你正在做的事情感兴趣，并且你和做那件事的人在一起，你会遇到对你做那件事感兴趣的人。如果你擅长做这件事，这种可能性更大。
这并不完美，但会大大增加你的成功几率。
If you want to go somewhere, it helps to know where that is, and where you’re starting from. Think of the kind of person you want as a mate. Imagine what that person wants in a mate. Can you be that kind of person? Do you want to be that kind of person? If the answers are “yes”, then set out to become that person.
Then go to places where your preferred type will hang out. Want a lawyer wife? get involved in the law. Get a job in a law firm (yes, I’m aware of the hazards - be careful).
Want an athletic husband? Pick a sport and do it. but you like the sport. I promise you the opportunities will arise.
If you are interested in what you are doing, and you hang around people who do that thing, you will meet people interested in you doing that thing. This is even more likely if you’re good at that thing.
It’s not perfect, but it will greatly increase your odds.
我建议：
设定一个意图；睁大眼睛。
如果你想去某个地方，知道它在哪里以及你从哪里开始是很有帮助的。想想你想要什么样的人作为伴侣，想象一下那个人想要什么样的伴侣，你能成为那种人吗？你想成为那种人吗？如果答案是“是”，那么就开始成为那个人。
然后去你喜欢的类型的人会去的地方。想要一个律师妻子吗？参与法律事物。在一家律师事务所找份工作（是的，我知道其中的危险——小心）。
想要一个健壮的丈夫吗？选择一项运动并做它。但要你的确喜欢这项运动，我向你保证机会会出现的。
如果你对你正在做的事情感兴趣，并且你和做那件事的人在一起，你会遇到对你做那件事感兴趣的人。如果你擅长做这件事，这种可能性更大。
这并不完美，但会大大增加你的成功几率。
Mike King, Licensed Family and marriage counselor for many years
Yes it’s hard to find a partner. Well, it’s not hard to find people to be a partner but how easy is it to find someone who is compatible in enough ways to make it worth your while?
You never know how much of a slob or a perfectionist a person can be until you live with them. In the glow of early love, it’s easy to overlook little faults but as time goes on, it’s not so easy.
People partner on the internet and it seems to work out well for some but it can also be like looking for a needle in a haystack. Going through all the hoops and finding who you believe is the right person can dash your hopes when they decide you aren’t exciting enough and they step out on you.
It’s not that hard to find a partner if anyone will do. Otherwise, it can be frustrating and fraught with anxiety as candidates are eliminated or eliminate themselves from the running.
很难找到伴侣。嗯，找人做你的伴侣并不难，但找到一个在很多方面都能让你觉得合得来的人有多容易呢？
除非你和一个人生活在一起，否则你永远不会知道他是一个有多懒散的人或完美主义者。在早恋的时候，很容易忽略一些小缺点，但随着时间的推移，就不那么容易了。
人们在网上找伴侣，对一些人来说似乎效果不错，但这也可能像大海捞针一样。经历所有的困难，找到你认为合适的人，当他们认为你不够令人兴奋时，你的希望就会破灭，他们会抛弃你。
如果有人愿意的话，找到伴侣并不难。否则，当候选人被淘汰或退出竞选时，可能会令人沮丧，充满焦虑。
Yes it’s hard to find a partner. Well, it’s not hard to find people to be a partner but how easy is it to find someone who is compatible in enough ways to make it worth your while?
You never know how much of a slob or a perfectionist a person can be until you live with them. In the glow of early love, it’s easy to overlook little faults but as time goes on, it’s not so easy.
People partner on the internet and it seems to work out well for some but it can also be like looking for a needle in a haystack. Going through all the hoops and finding who you believe is the right person can dash your hopes when they decide you aren’t exciting enough and they step out on you.
It’s not that hard to find a partner if anyone will do. Otherwise, it can be frustrating and fraught with anxiety as candidates are eliminated or eliminate themselves from the running.
很难找到伴侣。嗯，找人做你的伴侣并不难，但找到一个在很多方面都能让你觉得合得来的人有多容易呢？
除非你和一个人生活在一起，否则你永远不会知道他是一个有多懒散的人或完美主义者。在早恋的时候，很容易忽略一些小缺点，但随着时间的推移，就不那么容易了。
人们在网上找伴侣，对一些人来说似乎效果不错，但这也可能像大海捞针一样。经历所有的困难，找到你认为合适的人，当他们认为你不够令人兴奋时，你的希望就会破灭，他们会抛弃你。
如果有人愿意的话，找到伴侣并不难。否则，当候选人被淘汰或退出竞选时，可能会令人沮丧，充满焦虑。
Judy Kibinge, works at Business Owners
I was very fortunate to find my partner whom I love beyond and started a family with in my 40s. What I observed BEFORE I met him and still observe from friends who are my age and looking is this:
When you are younger, you are surrounded by places and opportunities and events and hardly anyone you know is married so everyone is… well, pretty much fair game. The older you get, the less often you get the chance to meet large groups of single unattached people your age. You arent going out as much, and maybe you are in a job where you meet the same people day in day out. You arent in college where new unmarried people are whom you meet all day… you arent 20 something in a new job and constantly meeting ad catching up with old friends and all their new peers. Maybe now, you live in same area take same route to work etc. When you are older, I feel you have a much better idea what you want and your needs are less superficial. A six pack and great smile arent top of your list - you are looking for kindness, companionship, shared interests. You COULD have fuond all those things quite easily when you were younger, but you perhaps were too young to hone down on what a great life partner looks like…. now when are older, and wiser, there arent as many singles to choose from.
我很幸运地找到了我爱的另一半，并在40多岁的时候和他建立了一个家庭。在我遇到他之前，我观察到的和我年龄相仿的朋友仍然观察到的是：
当你年轻的时候，你周围有很多地方、机会和事件，几乎你认识的人都没有结婚，所以每个人都是机会，这很公平。年龄越大，你就越少有机会结识与你同龄的单身人士。你不会经常外出，也许你的工作决定每天都会遇到同样的人。你不是如同在大学里那样整天都遇到未婚的新朋友，你不可能在20多岁刚开始一份新工作时，不断地见到老朋友和他们的新同事。也许现在，你们住在同一个地区，走同一条路去工作等等。当你们长大后，我觉得你们对自己想要什么有了更好的想法，你们的需求也不再那么肤浅了。六块腹肌和灿烂的笑容并不是你的首选—你在寻找友善、友谊和共同的兴趣。当你年轻的时候，你本可以很容易地完成所有这些事情，但是你可能太年轻了，以至于无法确定一个很棒的生活伴侣是什么样子的。现在，当你更年长、更聪明的时候，又没有那么多单身人士可供选择。
I was very fortunate to find my partner whom I love beyond and started a family with in my 40s. What I observed BEFORE I met him and still observe from friends who are my age and looking is this:
When you are younger, you are surrounded by places and opportunities and events and hardly anyone you know is married so everyone is… well, pretty much fair game. The older you get, the less often you get the chance to meet large groups of single unattached people your age. You arent going out as much, and maybe you are in a job where you meet the same people day in day out. You arent in college where new unmarried people are whom you meet all day… you arent 20 something in a new job and constantly meeting ad catching up with old friends and all their new peers. Maybe now, you live in same area take same route to work etc. When you are older, I feel you have a much better idea what you want and your needs are less superficial. A six pack and great smile arent top of your list - you are looking for kindness, companionship, shared interests. You COULD have fuond all those things quite easily when you were younger, but you perhaps were too young to hone down on what a great life partner looks like…. now when are older, and wiser, there arent as many singles to choose from.
我很幸运地找到了我爱的另一半，并在40多岁的时候和他建立了一个家庭。在我遇到他之前，我观察到的和我年龄相仿的朋友仍然观察到的是：
当你年轻的时候，你周围有很多地方、机会和事件，几乎你认识的人都没有结婚，所以每个人都是机会，这很公平。年龄越大，你就越少有机会结识与你同龄的单身人士。你不会经常外出，也许你的工作决定每天都会遇到同样的人。你不是如同在大学里那样整天都遇到未婚的新朋友，你不可能在20多岁刚开始一份新工作时，不断地见到老朋友和他们的新同事。也许现在，你们住在同一个地区，走同一条路去工作等等。当你们长大后，我觉得你们对自己想要什么有了更好的想法，你们的需求也不再那么肤浅了。六块腹肌和灿烂的笑容并不是你的首选—你在寻找友善、友谊和共同的兴趣。当你年轻的时候，你本可以很容易地完成所有这些事情，但是你可能太年轻了，以至于无法确定一个很棒的生活伴侣是什么样子的。现在，当你更年长、更聪明的时候，又没有那么多单身人士可供选择。
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