2022-08-19 xky 10827

I married my best friend and I just admire him as a person, but I don't love him. What should I do?


Do you know what? Come close so I can whisper. I’ll let you into a secret.
Marriages based on “being in love” tend to fail. Love involves a lot of hormones and a great deal of romantic idealisation. These things feel wonderful while they last. However, sooner or later, you’ll find that your love-idol is a human being with feet of clay. At that point, those wonderful feelings fade and the marriage dies.
When you’ve been with someone for a long time, what really matters is friendship, mutual respect and being able to rely on that person through thick and thin (or as they say: for richer, for poorer; for better for worse; in sickness and in health). I’ve been with my husband 34 years and we’d never have survived on love alone.
These bad boys you’ve tired of are intoxicating. That rush of lust, the fascinating antics, the highs and the inevitable lows. Of course that is exciting and feels passionate - but it’s a terrible basis for a life long partnership. Next to them, this friend you admire can seem tame. But he loves you, and now you can learn what love really is.


You know what? Love is not about what you feel so much as what you do. This is an easy mistake to make. Any fool can feel lovey-dovey. Real love is what you do when you’re not flooded with oxytocin. Real love is cleaning up diarrhoea for your partner when they’re poorly. It’s pacing the floor at 3am with a screaming and colicky baby so that you can sleep. It’s standing by you when you’ve messed up, or lost your job, or grown grey and whiskery in your female old age.
Stick by your husband - he’s your best friend for good reason. Friendship, admirable qualities and commitment are far more solid as a basis for marriage than the transitory emotion you’re mistaking for love. Love is an action. It’s what you do when you’re not feeling like being kind. And when you consistently and reliably act in a loving way, that’s when you’ll discover what true love really is.


Jennifer McGowan
Oh, honey, can I ever relate to your situation. And I'm sorry to say I have to completely disagree with Janie Keddie’s very popular answer.
I am currently in the process of a divorce with my husband of more than 20 years. I mistook our friendship, easy rapport and my genuine respect and admiration of him for love. He pursued me—aggressively—-and since I was smarting from a very painful breakup and a cross-country move (plus nagging from my parents to give the “nice Jewish boy a chance,”) I foolishly rushed into a passionless marriage with him (that thankfully produced three beautiful sons whom we love more than anything).
I couldn't admit I had made a mistake by marrying him. All the signs were there, I just refused to pay attention to them. The sex was bad. I mean, right off the bat, which again was a clear red flag that I chose to ignore. I actually cringed sometimes when he touched me, and I detested the way he breathed heavily on me during sex.


My husband and I survived three kids, job changes and multiple moves, including the cross-country one that ultimately brought us all back to California. I think we may have split up sooner, but life was never stagnant and certainly never boring, so together we remained. But over the years I grew resentful and began to criticize him unfairly, taking out my anger with myself upon him. He adored me (or so I believed), and I thought that would be enough. But I just simply could not make myself be in love with him, or love him. All the “shoulds” didn't matter. By two years ago we were living like brother and sister. And finally, one day shy of our twentieth wedding anniversary, I looked in the mirror and I couldn't do it anymore. I finally got honest with myself and him about my feelings.


Was it the most difficult and painful thing I had ever done? You bet it was. But you know what?? I learned that he hadn't been happy in our marriage for years either. (So you see, your husband is most likely already painfully aware of your feelings. We're not really fooling anyone.)
We are now in the process of a very amicable divorce. We're kind and considerate of each other and working together to co-parent our teen and young adult sons the best way we can. And I have been in love for more than a year with a wonderful man who worships the ground I walk on, who has all of the wonderful qualities my ex has and more. He’s a “manly man” who is also kind and gentle, who can fix and build things AND cook, who is intelligent with a wicked sense of humor, and who I just happen to think is the sexiest man on the planet. (Needless to say our sex life is off the charts and I can't keep my hands to myself when I'm around him!).


The bottom line is, you are responsible for your own happiness, not for his. It doesn't matter how much you think he loves you. If you are resenting being in your relationship every day and questioning yourself, it is time to put an end to it. He will survive, and so will you. It doesn't matter what other people say about what you “should” do. It's YOUR life, not theirs. It took me more than twenty years to learn this. Hopefully it won't take you as long.
I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do!!


Gopalkrishna Vishwanath
Tough situation! But you don’t have my sympathies in this case.
As long as you were not forced to marry him due to circumstances beyond your control, you must stay in this marriage. Don’t leave. Be faithful! Don’t cheat!
Your lack of passion for him presently is the price you paid for your blunder. Accept it calmly. Don’t compound your mistakes and become an even more serious defaulter by lack of fidelity.

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If you ditch him now, even after admiring him so much, and after knowing he loves strongly, and that breaking up will destroy him, you would be an extremely selfish person and would be breaking the sacred laws of marriage. You would tacitly be accepting the fact that the next boy you have a relationship with can likewise ditch you if his passion for you subsides in future. You will also be tempted to ditch your next partner when your passion for him ceases after some time.
Put yourself in the reverse position. Would you like to be ditched by a person who married you, attracted by all your other qualifications, after being disappointed with his earlier relationships with other girls, and someone who admired you intensely but whose passion suddenly became cold after he married you?


If you ditch your husband now, then your next marriage too will be in jeopardy. Passions cool. They don’t remain permanent. Sometimes it is age related. Sometimes it is health related. Sometimes it is just the human tendency and weakness for variety.
I will not moralize and state that desiring variety is wrong or immoral. That depends on the culture/society you belong to. In some countries it is not only wrong but illegal too. Punishments can barbaric. But if this variety was such an important requirement, then marriage was not the right thing for you.

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If you belong to a liberal or permissive society, that tolerates promiscuity and if your hubby too is game, then your problem of passion is solved! Hopefully you will have the capabilities of igniting the same passion in your new partner that you fail to experience with your husband. Remember that feeling passion is easy. Arousing passion in another is a different ball game altogether!
My final opinion: Now that you are married, stick with him through thick and thin. Be grateful for his other merits. Live with what you can’t (or won’t) have.
This is merely my orthodox opinion. Feel free to reject!


Deeksha Chugh
We often confuse love for passion or romantic feelings. Whereas love is much higher. It is not transitory. It is impossible for anyone to feel romantic for someone all the time. There are different situations, different moods etc. In the beginning of the relationship, yes. There is romance and passion. But it soon fades away. Because passion doesn't carry depth.
Love is a deep feeling of concern towards the other ( That's one of the definition, it is obviously much more). If you have that deep concern and compatibility with your best friend, you should stay. Going forward, in old age what will matter is how much you both care for each other. Passion is bound to die.
If you'll get into some other relationship looking for romance, you'll see that it'll fade away soon. Because the very characteristic of mind is that it never feels satisfied in what it has and always hankers for something else.
I personally think the base of any relationship should be care, concern and compatibility with each other.


Vincent Guidry
Okay, so you married him because you wanted a change from your old life. You achieved that break, and now you have a new life. You can’t really go back to your old one, it’s gone. Even if you got a divorce and went back it wouldn’t be the same.
My advice to you is to try. Work on yourself and ask what it is that you find attractive in a guy. See if you can get your husband to work towards that role. Is it a big strong guy who can throw you around? A soft, sweet gentleman? A romantic Romeo? Think about what you want, and ask your husband if he can be that person, even if it’s just in the bedroom.
Americans seem to want their sex lives to not require any work. It’s a shame because it leads us to marry the wrong people. Just because the sex works doesn’t mean everything else will work too. There’s no guarantee you’ll be any happier in a relationship that has that easy, effortless spark you’re looking for.
Good luck!

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Sal Anzaldi
Lots of people use the word “ love” when they really mean sexual attraction. Love is when you're wipping someone's butt because they're too sick to do it themselves. That's what my mother did for my father when he was dieing and That's what I did for my mother when she had alzheimers and I had to change her like a baby.
You do things for someone you love you wouldn't imagine doing for anyone else and it isn't very romantic sometimes.


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