笑话版：政治/民族/宗教类笑话若干则（三）
正文翻译
（笑话版）
（笑话版）
评论翻译
A Chinese guy and a Jewish guy are drinking at the bar...
The Jewish guy turns to the Chinese guy and says, "Fu*k you and your people, for bombing Pearl Harbor!"
The Chinese guy is like, "WTF?! That wasn't us. That was the Japanese!"
The Jewish guy: "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... you're all the same."
After a few minutes and another beer, the Chinese guy turns to the Jewish guy and says, "Fu*k you and your people for sinking the Titanic!"
The Jewish guy: "Huh? They ran into an iceberg..."
Chinese guy: "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinburg, you're all the same."
一个中国人和一个犹太人在酒吧里喝酒…
犹太人转身对中国人说：“你和你的民族真该死，竟然炸了珍珠港！”
中国人说，“什么？那不是我们干的。那是日本人！”
犹太人：“中国人、日本人、越南人...你们都一样。”
几分钟后，他们又喝完一杯啤酒，中国人转身对犹太人说：“你和你的民族真该死，竟然击沉了泰坦尼克号！”
犹太人：“啥？他们是撞上了一座冰山（iceberg）...”
中国人：“冰山(Iceberg)、戈德堡（Goldberg）、斯坦伯格(Steinburg)，你们都一样。”
The Jewish guy turns to the Chinese guy and says, "Fu*k you and your people, for bombing Pearl Harbor!"
The Chinese guy is like, "WTF?! That wasn't us. That was the Japanese!"
The Jewish guy: "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... you're all the same."
After a few minutes and another beer, the Chinese guy turns to the Jewish guy and says, "Fu*k you and your people for sinking the Titanic!"
The Jewish guy: "Huh? They ran into an iceberg..."
Chinese guy: "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinburg, you're all the same."
一个中国人和一个犹太人在酒吧里喝酒…
犹太人转身对中国人说：“你和你的民族真该死，竟然炸了珍珠港！”
中国人说，“什么？那不是我们干的。那是日本人！”
犹太人：“中国人、日本人、越南人...你们都一样。”
几分钟后，他们又喝完一杯啤酒，中国人转身对犹太人说：“你和你的民族真该死，竟然击沉了泰坦尼克号！”
犹太人：“啥？他们是撞上了一座冰山（iceberg）...”
中国人：“冰山(Iceberg)、戈德堡（Goldberg）、斯坦伯格(Steinburg)，你们都一样。”
According to the Chinese Calendar, this is currently the year 4720. However, on the Jewish Calendar, it is the year 5783.
Which means, in the beginning, Jews had to suffer through 1,063 years without Chinese food.
（回）根据中国的历法，现在是4720年。然而，根据犹太历法，现在是5783年。
这意味着，一开始，犹太人不得不在吃不到中餐的痛苦中忍受1063年。
Which means, in the beginning, Jews had to suffer through 1,063 years without Chinese food.
（回）根据中国的历法，现在是4720年。然而，根据犹太历法，现在是5783年。
这意味着，一开始，犹太人不得不在吃不到中餐的痛苦中忍受1063年。
Make_the_music_stop
I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."
当时我站在某国际机场的酒吧里，一个小个子中国人走进来，站在我旁边，开始喝啤酒，我问他：“那些武术之类的有什么是你会的吗，比如功夫、空手道或柔术？”
他说：“不会，你TMD为什么要问我这个？是不是因为我是中国人？”
“不是”，我说，“是因为你在喝我的啤酒，你个小贼”。
I was standing at the bar in an International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fuck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."
当时我站在某国际机场的酒吧里，一个小个子中国人走进来，站在我旁边，开始喝啤酒，我问他：“那些武术之类的有什么是你会的吗，比如功夫、空手道或柔术？”
他说：“不会，你TMD为什么要问我这个？是不是因为我是中国人？”
“不是”，我说，“是因为你在喝我的啤酒，你个小贼”。
Judo is the ancient art of folding laundry that is still being worn.
（回）柔道是古老的叠衣服艺术，经久不衰。
（回）柔道是古老的叠衣服艺术，经久不衰。
The ancient sport of tucking your dressing gown into your belt and then the other guy pulls it out so you pull his out then you both stop to tuck your dressing gowns in again then you push each other around for a bit because you each pulled each other's dressing gowns out of each other's belts then, of course, this leads to you both pulling each other's dressing gowns out of each other's belt again so another man tells you both to stop and you both have to tuck your dressing gowns back into your belts again and then you both start pushing each other around again and again it's the belt/dressing gown thing and this goes on for what seems like hours until one of you almost manages to throw the other person onto the floor and the referee makes you both stop and tuck in your dressing gowns and then he shouts something in Japanese and points to one of you and I think it means that person won the dressing gown pulling competition.
（回）这是一项古老的运动，把你的睡袍塞进你的腰带里，然后对方会把你的睡袍拉出来，于是你就把他的睡袍拉出来，然后你们都停下来，把各自的睡衣再塞回去，然后你们互相推搡一番，因为你们把对方的睡袍从对方的腰带里拉出来了，之后，这当然就会导致你们又把对方的睡袍从对方的腰带里拉出来了，所以另一个人会要求你们都停下来，你们俩必须把睡袍重新塞进腰带里，然后你们又开始互相推搡，接着又会去折腾腰带/睡袍的问题，这貌似能持续好几个小时，直到你们中的一个人差一点就成功地把另一个人摔到地板上，然后裁判员会让你们都停下来，把你们的睡袍塞回去，然后他会用日语喊话，指着你们中的一个人，我想这个的意思就是这个人赢得了这场拉睡袍比赛。
（回）这是一项古老的运动，把你的睡袍塞进你的腰带里，然后对方会把你的睡袍拉出来，于是你就把他的睡袍拉出来，然后你们都停下来，把各自的睡衣再塞回去，然后你们互相推搡一番，因为你们把对方的睡袍从对方的腰带里拉出来了，之后，这当然就会导致你们又把对方的睡袍从对方的腰带里拉出来了，所以另一个人会要求你们都停下来，你们俩必须把睡袍重新塞进腰带里，然后你们又开始互相推搡，接着又会去折腾腰带/睡袍的问题，这貌似能持续好几个小时，直到你们中的一个人差一点就成功地把另一个人摔到地板上，然后裁判员会让你们都停下来，把你们的睡袍塞回去，然后他会用日语喊话，指着你们中的一个人，我想这个的意思就是这个人赢得了这场拉睡袍比赛。
a4techkeyboard
Reminds me of a Philippine-based joke I heard once. It goes:
这让我想起了我曾经听到过的一个菲律宾的笑话。是这么说的：
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Reminds me of a Philippine-based joke I heard once. It goes:
这让我想起了我曾经听到过的一个菲律宾的笑话。是这么说的：
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were arguing about whose people are older.
The Jewish man says "We are, we were the ones that crucified Jesus."
The Chinese man replies "And which hardware store did you buy the nails from?"
一个犹太男人和一个中国男人在争论谁的民族更古老。
犹太人说：“把耶稣钉死在十字架上的人就是我们这个民族的。”
中国人回答说：“那你们从哪家五金店买的钉子？”
The Jewish man says "We are, we were the ones that crucified Jesus."
The Chinese man replies "And which hardware store did you buy the nails from?"
一个犹太男人和一个中国男人在争论谁的民族更古老。
犹太人说：“把耶稣钉死在十字架上的人就是我们这个民族的。”
中国人回答说：“那你们从哪家五金店买的钉子？”
The context is that the Philippines is mostly Catholic, and the Filipino Chinese usually own the hardware stores.
背景是，菲律宾大部分都是天主教徒，而五金店通常都是菲律宾华人开的。
背景是，菲律宾大部分都是天主教徒，而五金店通常都是菲律宾华人开的。
OrdosDeluxe
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
一个老人给他的儿子打电话说，“听着，你妈和我准备离婚了。四十五年的痛苦已经受够了。”
“爸爸，你说什么？”，儿子尖叫道。
“我们光是看见对方都无法忍受了”，他说。“我厌倦了她的脸，我也厌倦了谈论此事，总之给你姐姐打个电话告诉她此事”，然后他就挂断了电话。
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
一个老人给他的儿子打电话说，“听着，你妈和我准备离婚了。四十五年的痛苦已经受够了。”
“爸爸，你说什么？”，儿子尖叫道。
“我们光是看见对方都无法忍受了”，他说。“我厌倦了她的脸，我也厌倦了谈论此事，总之给你姐姐打个电话告诉她此事”，然后他就挂断了电话。
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
现在，儿子很担心。他给他姐姐打电话。她说，“他们要离婚了！想都别想！”她立刻给他们的父亲打了电话。“你不会离婚的！你啥也别干。我们两个人明天就飞回家讨论这个问题。在那之前，不要找律师，不要提交文件。你听到了吗？” 她挂断了电话。
现在，儿子很担心。他给他姐姐打电话。她说，“他们要离婚了！想都别想！”她立刻给他们的父亲打了电话。“你不会离婚的！你啥也别干。我们两个人明天就飞回家讨论这个问题。在那之前，不要找律师，不要提交文件。你听到了吗？” 她挂断了电话。
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
老男人转身对妻子说：“好了，这下他们俩都会来过圣诞节了，而且机票钱他们自己会付。
老男人转身对妻子说：“好了，这下他们俩都会来过圣诞节了，而且机票钱他们自己会付。
Royal_Cover_9428
I asked my wife why she married me.
I asked my wife why she married me.
She said “Because you are funny.”
I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”
She said “See? You’re hilarious!”
我问我妻子为什么她会嫁给我？
她说，“因为你很风趣”。
我说，“我还以为是因为我床上功夫好呢”。
她说：“你看，你就是很风趣！”
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
I asked my wife why she married me.
I asked my wife why she married me.
She said “Because you are funny.”
I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.”
She said “See? You’re hilarious!”
我问我妻子为什么她会嫁给我？
她说，“因为你很风趣”。
我说，“我还以为是因为我床上功夫好呢”。
她说：“你看，你就是很风趣！”
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
Make_the_music_stop
A married man approaches a woman in the supermarket and says: "I've lost my wife in the aisles... Do you mind if we talk for a while?"
She asks him, "Wouldn't it be better to look for her than to talk to me?"
And the married man answers her: "But it won't be necessary... every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere...".
一个已婚男人在超市里凑近一个女人，说：“我在过道里把我老婆弄丢了...你介意我们聊一会儿吗？”
她问他：“去找她不是比和我聊天更好吗？”
然后这个已婚男人就回答她说，“但这没有必要...每次我和漂亮女人说话，我老婆就会突然出现...”
A married man approaches a woman in the supermarket and says: "I've lost my wife in the aisles... Do you mind if we talk for a while?"
She asks him, "Wouldn't it be better to look for her than to talk to me?"
And the married man answers her: "But it won't be necessary... every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere...".
一个已婚男人在超市里凑近一个女人，说：“我在过道里把我老婆弄丢了...你介意我们聊一会儿吗？”
她问他：“去找她不是比和我聊天更好吗？”
然后这个已婚男人就回答她说，“但这没有必要...每次我和漂亮女人说话，我老婆就会突然出现...”
MrGuttor
A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
一只大猩猩，刚巧赶在动物园开放前因年老而死去了。这是动物园里的唯一一只大猩猩，因为他们的利润不高。
然而，到目前为止，大猩猩一直是他们园中最受欢迎的游览胜地，他们一天也不能没有它。因此，动物园老板要求他手下的一个员工穿上他们备好的大猩猩装，如果他愿意进入大猩猩笼子，假扮大猩猩，每天能多得100美元，直到动物园能买得起新的大猩猩。
很快，这只新的“大猩猩”成了这家动物园里最能引发狂热的存在。来自各地的人们纷纷前来观看这只“像人一样”的大猩猩。
A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can afford a new one.
Quickly, the new "gorilla" becomes the most popular craze at the zoo. People from all over are coming to see the "Human-like" gorilla.
一只大猩猩，刚巧赶在动物园开放前因年老而死去了。这是动物园里的唯一一只大猩猩，因为他们的利润不高。
然而，到目前为止，大猩猩一直是他们园中最受欢迎的游览胜地，他们一天也不能没有它。因此，动物园老板要求他手下的一个员工穿上他们备好的大猩猩装，如果他愿意进入大猩猩笼子，假扮大猩猩，每天能多得100美元，直到动物园能买得起新的大猩猩。
很快，这只新的“大猩猩”成了这家动物园里最能引发狂热的存在。来自各地的人们纷纷前来观看这只“像人一样”的大猩猩。
About a month in, the craze has started to wear off. So, to get peoples' attention back, he decides to climb over his enclosure and hang from the net ceiling above the lions' den next to him. A large crowd of people gather watching the spectacle in awe and terror. Suddenly the man loses his grip and falls to the floor of the lion's den. The man starts screaming "HELP!! HELP!!!" Suddenly a lion pounces him from behind and whispers in his ear, "Shut the fuck up right now or you're going to get us both fired."
大约一个月后，这种狂热开始消退了。因此，为了重新吸引人们的注意力，他决定爬过自己的围栏，从旁边狮穴上方的网状天花板上悬吊下来。一大群人聚集在一起，怀着敬畏和恐怖的心情观看这一奇观。突然间，这个人失去了控制，掉在了狮穴的地上。那人开始尖叫“救命啊！救命！”突然之间，一只狮子从他身后扑向他，在他耳边轻声说，“马上给我闭嘴，否则你会害得我们两个都被解雇。”
大约一个月后，这种狂热开始消退了。因此，为了重新吸引人们的注意力，他决定爬过自己的围栏，从旁边狮穴上方的网状天花板上悬吊下来。一大群人聚集在一起，怀着敬畏和恐怖的心情观看这一奇观。突然间，这个人失去了控制，掉在了狮穴的地上。那人开始尖叫“救命啊！救命！”突然之间，一只狮子从他身后扑向他，在他耳边轻声说，“马上给我闭嘴，否则你会害得我们两个都被解雇。”
The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”
The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.
After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, he approached the weird janitor Hank about it.
（回）动物园的雌性大猩猩发狂了，工作人员中的兽医给出了非常严重的预后。“她正处于交配季节，她一辈子都在被囚禁，如果她不交配，她就会死。”
动物园管理员不知所措。实在是没有钱运一只雄性大猩猩来完成交配。所以他决定，人类和大猩猩足够接近。必须得找个人去和大猩猩做爱。
在检视过所有选项后，他拿出了动物园能拿出的最多的钱，找到了那个古怪的看门人汉克探讨此事。
The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.
After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, he approached the weird janitor Hank about it.
（回）动物园的雌性大猩猩发狂了，工作人员中的兽医给出了非常严重的预后。“她正处于交配季节，她一辈子都在被囚禁，如果她不交配，她就会死。”
动物园管理员不知所措。实在是没有钱运一只雄性大猩猩来完成交配。所以他决定，人类和大猩猩足够接近。必须得找个人去和大猩猩做爱。
在检视过所有选项后，他拿出了动物园能拿出的最多的钱，找到了那个古怪的看门人汉克探讨此事。
“Hank, we need someone to fuck this gorilla. I know it’s weird, but, hey, $500. What do you think?”
Hank thought for a long time, then nodded his head. “I’ll do it. But I need a few weeks to get the $500.”
“汉克，我们需要一个人去和这只大猩猩做爱。我知道这很奇怪，但是嘿，500美元呢。你觉得怎么样？”
汉克思忖良久，然后点了点头。“我愿意干。但我需要几个星期的时间才能凑齐这500美元。”
Hank thought for a long time, then nodded his head. “I’ll do it. But I need a few weeks to get the $500.”
“汉克，我们需要一个人去和这只大猩猩做爱。我知道这很奇怪，但是嘿，500美元呢。你觉得怎么样？”
汉克思忖良久，然后点了点头。“我愿意干。但我需要几个星期的时间才能凑齐这500美元。”
A prostitute goes to the zoo when a gorilla grunts and gestures her over to his cave. Business has been slow lately so she figures what the hell. She climbs in the enclosure, enters the cave, and the gorilla removes the prostitute's skirt and starts performing oral sex on her.
（回）一个妓女去了动物园，这时一只大猩猩嘟囔了几声，并打手势示意她到他的洞穴里去。最近生意不景气，所以她寻思着管他呢。她爬进围栏，进入山洞，大猩猩脱掉妓女的裙子，开始为她口交。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
（回）一个妓女去了动物园，这时一只大猩猩嘟囔了几声，并打手势示意她到他的洞穴里去。最近生意不景气，所以她寻思着管他呢。她爬进围栏，进入山洞，大猩猩脱掉妓女的裙子，开始为她口交。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
The gorilla finishes, stands up, and starts walking away. The prostitute says: "Hey! Where are you going? You need to pay me!"
The gorilla just stands there looking confused.
She pulls out her phone and Googles "prostitute" and shows him.
a person, typically a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment.
He takes the phone from her and Googles "gorilla" and hands it back to her.
the largest living primate. Eats bushes and leaves.
大猩猩完事后，站起身，走开了。妓女说：“嘿！你这是要去哪里？你得给我钱！”
大猩猩就这么站在那里，看上去很困惑。
她掏出手机，在谷歌上搜索“妓女”，然后把手机拿给他看。
：“一个人，通常是一个女人，从事性活动以获取报酬。”
他从她手中接过手机，在谷歌上搜索“大猩猩”，然后把手机递还给她。
：“现存最大的灵长类动物。吃的是灌木和树叶。”
The gorilla just stands there looking confused.
She pulls out her phone and Googles "prostitute" and shows him.
a person, typically a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment.
He takes the phone from her and Googles "gorilla" and hands it back to her.
the largest living primate. Eats bushes and leaves.
大猩猩完事后，站起身，走开了。妓女说：“嘿！你这是要去哪里？你得给我钱！”
大猩猩就这么站在那里，看上去很困惑。
她掏出手机，在谷歌上搜索“妓女”，然后把手机拿给他看。
：“一个人，通常是一个女人，从事性活动以获取报酬。”
他从她手中接过手机，在谷歌上搜索“大猩猩”，然后把手机递还给她。
：“现存最大的灵长类动物。吃的是灌木和树叶。”
Good thing for her she didn’t go into the panda enclosure.
（回）幸好她没有进入关熊猫的围栏。
（回）幸好她没有进入关熊猫的围栏。
noobmaster69_is_hela
My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...
... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.
我老婆在厨房里，只穿了一件她睡觉时穿的T恤...
...她在为我们准备早餐，做的是通常会做的溏心水煮蛋和吐司。
My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...
... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.
我老婆在厨房里，只穿了一件她睡觉时穿的T恤...
...她在为我们准备早餐，做的是通常会做的溏心水煮蛋和吐司。
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to loose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks" and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but still a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken"
当我走进去时，还是半醒的状态，她转过身来，轻柔地说：“你现在就得和我做爱！就在这里！”
我的眼睛亮了起来，心想：“我要么还在做梦，要么今天成为了我的幸运日！”
我不想错失这一刻，我抱住了她，然后就在厨房的餐桌上倾尽了全力。
事后，她说，“谢谢”，然后回到炉灶旁，她的T恤仍然挂在她的脖子上。
我心里大喜，但仍然有点摸不着头脑，就问，“刚才那是怎么回事？”
她解释说，“煮蛋定时器坏了。”
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to loose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks" and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but still a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken"
当我走进去时，还是半醒的状态，她转过身来，轻柔地说：“你现在就得和我做爱！就在这里！”
我的眼睛亮了起来，心想：“我要么还在做梦，要么今天成为了我的幸运日！”
我不想错失这一刻，我抱住了她，然后就在厨房的餐桌上倾尽了全力。
事后，她说，“谢谢”，然后回到炉灶旁，她的T恤仍然挂在她的脖子上。
我心里大喜，但仍然有点摸不着头脑，就问，“刚才那是怎么回事？”
她解释说，“煮蛋定时器坏了。”
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