哪10个习惯会破坏你们的关系（一）
正文翻译
What are the 10 habits that can destroy your relationship?
哪10个习惯会破坏你们的关系?
What are the 10 habits that can destroy your relationship?
哪10个习惯会破坏你们的关系?
评论翻译
Cyndi Perlman Fink
Only ten? After forty-eight years of marriage, it’s not the big things, it’s the little things that make me think we won’t make it to forty-nine.
Opening cabinet doors and not closing them.
Taking something out and not putting it back.
Leaving the toilet seat up.
Messy drawers.
I don’t have ten things because:
He walks the dog in the rain.
He puts a bandaid on my cut, with Neosporin, and then he kisses it to make it well.
He always takes out the garbage.
只有十个？结婚四十八年了，让我觉得我们撑不到四十九年的不是大事，而是小事。
打开柜门后不关闭柜门。
把东西拿出来后不放回去。
把马桶座垫留在上面。
抽屉凌乱。
我说不出10个习惯，因为：
他在雨中遛狗。
他用Neosporin在我的伤口上贴了一条创可贴，然后吻了一下，使伤口愈合。
他总是倒垃圾。
Only ten? After forty-eight years of marriage, it’s not the big things, it’s the little things that make me think we won’t make it to forty-nine.
Opening cabinet doors and not closing them.
Taking something out and not putting it back.
Leaving the toilet seat up.
Messy drawers.
I don’t have ten things because:
He walks the dog in the rain.
He puts a bandaid on my cut, with Neosporin, and then he kisses it to make it well.
He always takes out the garbage.
只有十个？结婚四十八年了，让我觉得我们撑不到四十九年的不是大事，而是小事。
打开柜门后不关闭柜门。
把东西拿出来后不放回去。
把马桶座垫留在上面。
抽屉凌乱。
我说不出10个习惯，因为：
他在雨中遛狗。
他用Neosporin在我的伤口上贴了一条创可贴，然后吻了一下，使伤口愈合。
他总是倒垃圾。
He loves me when I’m at my worst.
He always has my back.
He cares about my health and well being.
He loves me when I’m at my best.
He still makes me laugh.
He’s willing to watch silly TV with me in bed.
He vacuums before friends come over to visit.
I’ll close the cabinet doors.
I’ll put things away.
I’ll put down the toilet seat, although it’s not pleasant on a cold night.
I’ll refold all of his t-shirts.
I will love him forever and a day.
‘Next month will be forty-nine years.
当我最糟糕的时候，他爱我。
他总是支持我。
他关心我的健康和幸福。
当我处于最佳状态时，他爱我。
他仍然让我笑。
他愿意和我一起在床上看无聊的电视。
朋友们来拜访之前，他先用吸尘器吸尘。
我会关上柜门。
我会把东西收起来。
我会放下马桶座—虽然在寒冷的夜晚不舒服。
我会把他所有的t恤都叠起来。
我会永远爱他。
下个月是结婚四十九年了。
He always has my back.
He cares about my health and well being.
He loves me when I’m at my best.
He still makes me laugh.
He’s willing to watch silly TV with me in bed.
He vacuums before friends come over to visit.
I’ll close the cabinet doors.
I’ll put things away.
I’ll put down the toilet seat, although it’s not pleasant on a cold night.
I’ll refold all of his t-shirts.
I will love him forever and a day.
‘Next month will be forty-nine years.
当我最糟糕的时候，他爱我。
他总是支持我。
他关心我的健康和幸福。
当我处于最佳状态时，他爱我。
他仍然让我笑。
他愿意和我一起在床上看无聊的电视。
朋友们来拜访之前，他先用吸尘器吸尘。
我会关上柜门。
我会把东西收起来。
我会放下马桶座—虽然在寒冷的夜晚不舒服。
我会把他所有的t恤都叠起来。
我会永远爱他。
下个月是结婚四十九年了。
Raul Ballesteros
I’ve been in an extraordinary relationship for over three years.
Here are a 8 habits that can sabotage your entire relationship:
1)Needing To Be Right
The “need” to be right in an argument is an illusion that comes from our ego. The ego strives to be right because all it cares about is itself.
But, needing to be right can become toxic for the both people especially when both people “need” to be right. It’s about returning back to peace.
I’ve learned that it’s never about who’s right or wrong but rather the outcome we are trying to achieve within the argument. Focus on returning back to good terms.
If you really care about the other person then needing to be right shouldn’t really matter to you. What matters is “why” the other person is upset and addressing it.
So, start leaving your ego at the door when it comes to your relationships because women find that as a “turn off.” Let them be right and they’ll admit when you are.
三年多来，我谈了一段特别的恋爱。
以下8个习惯可能会破坏你的整个关系：
1） 需要正确
在争论中正确的“需要”是一种来自我们自我的幻觉。自我努力做到正确，因为它只关心自己。
但是，需要正确对两个人都是有害的，特别是当两个人都“需要”正确的时候。这是关于回归和平。
我明白了，这从来都不是谁对谁错的问题，而是我们在争论中试图达到的结果。专注于恢复良好的关系。
如果你真的在乎对方，那么你需要做正确的事对你来说并不重要。重要的是“为什么”对方不高兴，并解决这个问题。
所以，当涉及到你的关系好坏时，开始不要去考虑自我，因为女人觉得这是一种“拒绝”。让她们是对的，这样她们也会承认你是对的。
I’ve been in an extraordinary relationship for over three years.
Here are a 8 habits that can sabotage your entire relationship:
1)Needing To Be Right
The “need” to be right in an argument is an illusion that comes from our ego. The ego strives to be right because all it cares about is itself.
But, needing to be right can become toxic for the both people especially when both people “need” to be right. It’s about returning back to peace.
I’ve learned that it’s never about who’s right or wrong but rather the outcome we are trying to achieve within the argument. Focus on returning back to good terms.
If you really care about the other person then needing to be right shouldn’t really matter to you. What matters is “why” the other person is upset and addressing it.
So, start leaving your ego at the door when it comes to your relationships because women find that as a “turn off.” Let them be right and they’ll admit when you are.
三年多来，我谈了一段特别的恋爱。
以下8个习惯可能会破坏你的整个关系：
1） 需要正确
在争论中正确的“需要”是一种来自我们自我的幻觉。自我努力做到正确，因为它只关心自己。
但是，需要正确对两个人都是有害的，特别是当两个人都“需要”正确的时候。这是关于回归和平。
我明白了，这从来都不是谁对谁错的问题，而是我们在争论中试图达到的结果。专注于恢复良好的关系。
如果你真的在乎对方，那么你需要做正确的事对你来说并不重要。重要的是“为什么”对方不高兴，并解决这个问题。
所以，当涉及到你的关系好坏时，开始不要去考虑自我，因为女人觉得这是一种“拒绝”。让她们是对的，这样她们也会承认你是对的。
2)Being Jealous
I believe one of the biggest factors in failing relationships is jealousy. I used to be so jealous that it put my relationship in jeopardy. It’s poison disguised as love.
We may say to our partner “I’m jealous because I love you” but that's not true at all. We become jealous because we assume our partners will hurt us in some way.
The more jealous you become the more you’ll try to control your partner. You’ll feel offended when they wear something cute or if a guy messages them online.
One of the best books I’ve ever read on relationships was “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz because it taught me to have a loving relationship with myself.
It also taught me that jealousy is really a lack of self-love and our minds making ridiculous assumptions about how our partners will hurt us.
I recommend studying “how to overcome jealousy” online because there are many methods to beating it. Jealousy can be a “turn off” and end a relationship.
2） 嫉妒
我认为，人际关系失败的最大因素之一是嫉妒。我以前很嫉妒，这让我的关系岌岌可危。这是伪装成爱的毒药。
我们可能会对伴侣说“我嫉妒，因为我爱你”，但这根本不是真的。我们嫉妒是因为我们认为我们的伴侣会以某种方式伤害我们。
你越嫉妒，你就越想控制你的伴侣。当他们穿上可爱的衣服或者有人在网上给他们发信息时，你会觉得很生气。
我读过的关于恋爱关系的最好的书之一是堂·米格尔·路易兹（Don Miguel Ruiz）的《四个约定》，因为它教会了我如何与自己建立一种充满爱的关系。
它也教会了我，嫉妒其实是一种自爱的缺乏，我们的大脑会对我们的伴侣会如何伤害我们做出荒谬的假设。
我建议在网上研究“如何克服嫉妒”，因为有很多方法可以克服嫉妒。嫉妒是一种“拒绝”，可以结束一段关系。
I believe one of the biggest factors in failing relationships is jealousy. I used to be so jealous that it put my relationship in jeopardy. It’s poison disguised as love.
We may say to our partner “I’m jealous because I love you” but that's not true at all. We become jealous because we assume our partners will hurt us in some way.
The more jealous you become the more you’ll try to control your partner. You’ll feel offended when they wear something cute or if a guy messages them online.
One of the best books I’ve ever read on relationships was “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz because it taught me to have a loving relationship with myself.
It also taught me that jealousy is really a lack of self-love and our minds making ridiculous assumptions about how our partners will hurt us.
I recommend studying “how to overcome jealousy” online because there are many methods to beating it. Jealousy can be a “turn off” and end a relationship.
2） 嫉妒
我认为，人际关系失败的最大因素之一是嫉妒。我以前很嫉妒，这让我的关系岌岌可危。这是伪装成爱的毒药。
我们可能会对伴侣说“我嫉妒，因为我爱你”，但这根本不是真的。我们嫉妒是因为我们认为我们的伴侣会以某种方式伤害我们。
你越嫉妒，你就越想控制你的伴侣。当他们穿上可爱的衣服或者有人在网上给他们发信息时，你会觉得很生气。
我读过的关于恋爱关系的最好的书之一是堂·米格尔·路易兹（Don Miguel Ruiz）的《四个约定》，因为它教会了我如何与自己建立一种充满爱的关系。
它也教会了我，嫉妒其实是一种自爱的缺乏，我们的大脑会对我们的伴侣会如何伤害我们做出荒谬的假设。
我建议在网上研究“如何克服嫉妒”，因为有很多方法可以克服嫉妒。嫉妒是一种“拒绝”，可以结束一段关系。
3)Not Communicating Needs & Feelings
Communication is really the fabric that holds relationships together. Clear communication between both people is what allows relationships to thrive.
But, where communication matters the most is when your needs aren’t being met and when the other person hurts your feelings.
Never and I mean never assume that your partner knows what you need or how something they said or did made you feel. This requires you to check your ego.
We are human but not mind readers. As much as you want the other person to “just know” what you need or how they made you feel, that’s not how it works.
The best thing to do is communicate to your partner exactly how you feel and why you feel that way so that they can become “aware” of their behaviors.
If your partner genuinely cares about your needs and feelings then they will work on making that adjustment to improve the overall relationship.
3） 不沟通需求和感受
沟通实际上是维系关系的基础。两个人之间清晰的沟通是关系得以发展的关键。
但是，沟通最重要的是当你的需求没有得到满足的时候，当对方伤害了你的感情的时候。
永远不要，我的意思是永远不要假设你的伴侣知道你需要什么，或者不要假设他们说的话或做的事让你有什么感觉。这需要你检查你的自我。
我们是人，但不是懂读心术的人。尽管你想让对方“知道”你需要什么或让对方“知道”他们给你的感觉，但事情不是这样的。
最好的做法是与你的伴侣准确地交流你的感受以及准确地交流你为什么会这样，这样他们才能“意识到”自己的行为。
如果你的伴侣真的关心你的需求和感受，那么他们会努力做出调整，以改善整体关系。
Communication is really the fabric that holds relationships together. Clear communication between both people is what allows relationships to thrive.
But, where communication matters the most is when your needs aren’t being met and when the other person hurts your feelings.
Never and I mean never assume that your partner knows what you need or how something they said or did made you feel. This requires you to check your ego.
We are human but not mind readers. As much as you want the other person to “just know” what you need or how they made you feel, that’s not how it works.
The best thing to do is communicate to your partner exactly how you feel and why you feel that way so that they can become “aware” of their behaviors.
If your partner genuinely cares about your needs and feelings then they will work on making that adjustment to improve the overall relationship.
3） 不沟通需求和感受
沟通实际上是维系关系的基础。两个人之间清晰的沟通是关系得以发展的关键。
但是，沟通最重要的是当你的需求没有得到满足的时候，当对方伤害了你的感情的时候。
永远不要，我的意思是永远不要假设你的伴侣知道你需要什么，或者不要假设他们说的话或做的事让你有什么感觉。这需要你检查你的自我。
我们是人，但不是懂读心术的人。尽管你想让对方“知道”你需要什么或让对方“知道”他们给你的感觉，但事情不是这样的。
最好的做法是与你的伴侣准确地交流你的感受以及准确地交流你为什么会这样，这样他们才能“意识到”自己的行为。
如果你的伴侣真的关心你的需求和感受，那么他们会努力做出调整，以改善整体关系。
4)Not Knowing Your Partners Love Language
A concept that really took our relationship to a whole new level was learning each others love language. Every person has a unique way that makes them feel loved.
I first heard about this concept in an interview with Jay Shetty and his wife. The idea is pretty simple…every person has their own love language.
The love languages are — words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, buying gifts and acts of service. We all crave one of these type of love languages.
I’d highly recommend buying the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It will allow you to understand your partner at a deeper level.
When I found out what my partners love language was I was actually surprised because I “assumed” it was something else. Read the book, it’s a game changer.
4） 不知道你伴侣的爱的语言
一个真正将我们的关系提升到一个全新水平的概念是学习彼此的爱的语言。每个人都有一种独特的方式，让他们感到被爱。
我第一次听到这个概念是在杰伊·谢蒂和他的妻子的采访中。道理很简单，每个人都有自己的爱的语言。
爱的语言是:肯定的话语、美好的时光、身体的接触、购买礼物和服务的行为。我们都渴望其中一种爱的语言。
我强烈推荐购买加里·查普曼的《五种爱的语言》一书。这将让你更深入地了解你的伴侣。
当我发现我的伴侣喜欢什么语言时，我真的很惊讶，因为我“假设”是另一回事。读这本书，它改变了游戏规则。
A concept that really took our relationship to a whole new level was learning each others love language. Every person has a unique way that makes them feel loved.
I first heard about this concept in an interview with Jay Shetty and his wife. The idea is pretty simple…every person has their own love language.
The love languages are — words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, buying gifts and acts of service. We all crave one of these type of love languages.
I’d highly recommend buying the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It will allow you to understand your partner at a deeper level.
When I found out what my partners love language was I was actually surprised because I “assumed” it was something else. Read the book, it’s a game changer.
4） 不知道你伴侣的爱的语言
一个真正将我们的关系提升到一个全新水平的概念是学习彼此的爱的语言。每个人都有一种独特的方式，让他们感到被爱。
我第一次听到这个概念是在杰伊·谢蒂和他的妻子的采访中。道理很简单，每个人都有自己的爱的语言。
爱的语言是:肯定的话语、美好的时光、身体的接触、购买礼物和服务的行为。我们都渴望其中一种爱的语言。
我强烈推荐购买加里·查普曼的《五种爱的语言》一书。这将让你更深入地了解你的伴侣。
当我发现我的伴侣喜欢什么语言时，我真的很惊讶，因为我“假设”是另一回事。读这本书，它改变了游戏规则。
5)Being Distracted Instead of Present
In the age of technology, it’s easy to get on our phones whenever we want…even if that means when we are spending time with our partner. This is a BIG no no.
If you really want to end your relationship then get on your phone while you’re spending quality time with your partner. Women and men both find this to be a major “turn off.”
Let’s say your partner gets ready to go out to dinner with you. They put on make up, your favorite perfume and your favorite outfit all to impress you.
Then, you go to dinner and while you’re there instead of being present with your partner you get on your phone. You don’t even compliment their effort or look.
In your partners eyes, it will seem as if you don’t care about her and as if she doesn’t exist. This will translate into you not truly loving her or the relationship.
What my partner and I do when we go out on dates is put our phones away. We’ve both made the conscious decision to ‘be present’ while we are on dates.
This also means being present while you’re at home. If you two are watching a movie together, cuddle up with each other and cherish that moment…no phones.
5） 分心而不是专注
在科技时代，我们随时都可以拿起手机，纵容我们和伴侣在一起的时候也如此。这是特别不好的事情。
如果你真的想结束你们的关系，那就在你和伴侣共度美好时光的同时，打电话吧。女性和男性都认为这是一个主要的“拒绝”方式
假设你的伴侣准备和你一起出去吃饭。他们化好妆，喷上你最喜欢的香水，穿上你最喜欢的衣服，这只为给你留下深刻印象。
然后，你去吃晚餐，当你在那里的时候，你没有和你的伴侣在一起，而是在玩手机。你甚至不赞美他们的成果或外表。
在你的伴侣眼里，你似乎不在乎她，好像她不存在一样。这将转化为你没有真正爱她或不想要这段关系。
我和我的伴侣出去约会时所做的就是把手机收起来。我们都有意识地决定在约会时“进入状态”。
这也意味着你在家时要进入状态。如果你们两个在一起看电影，彼此拥抱，珍惜那一刻，就不要打电话。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
In the age of technology, it’s easy to get on our phones whenever we want…even if that means when we are spending time with our partner. This is a BIG no no.
If you really want to end your relationship then get on your phone while you’re spending quality time with your partner. Women and men both find this to be a major “turn off.”
Let’s say your partner gets ready to go out to dinner with you. They put on make up, your favorite perfume and your favorite outfit all to impress you.
Then, you go to dinner and while you’re there instead of being present with your partner you get on your phone. You don’t even compliment their effort or look.
In your partners eyes, it will seem as if you don’t care about her and as if she doesn’t exist. This will translate into you not truly loving her or the relationship.
What my partner and I do when we go out on dates is put our phones away. We’ve both made the conscious decision to ‘be present’ while we are on dates.
This also means being present while you’re at home. If you two are watching a movie together, cuddle up with each other and cherish that moment…no phones.
5） 分心而不是专注
在科技时代，我们随时都可以拿起手机，纵容我们和伴侣在一起的时候也如此。这是特别不好的事情。
如果你真的想结束你们的关系，那就在你和伴侣共度美好时光的同时，打电话吧。女性和男性都认为这是一个主要的“拒绝”方式
假设你的伴侣准备和你一起出去吃饭。他们化好妆，喷上你最喜欢的香水，穿上你最喜欢的衣服，这只为给你留下深刻印象。
然后，你去吃晚餐，当你在那里的时候，你没有和你的伴侣在一起，而是在玩手机。你甚至不赞美他们的成果或外表。
在你的伴侣眼里，你似乎不在乎她，好像她不存在一样。这将转化为你没有真正爱她或不想要这段关系。
我和我的伴侣出去约会时所做的就是把手机收起来。我们都有意识地决定在约会时“进入状态”。
这也意味着你在家时要进入状态。如果你们两个在一起看电影，彼此拥抱，珍惜那一刻，就不要打电话。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
6)Financial Stress
There’s a study that shows 35% of stress in a relationship is caused by finances. It doesn't surprise me because money is a stressor for anyone who can’t manage it.
I can honestly say one of the reasons why my partner and I are still together is because we rarely argue about money. This can save you tons of stress.
For the most part, my partner and I manage our finances separately. We don’t have a joint account and both prefer to manage our own money.
We split mostly all the bills to ensure no one is paying more than the other which helps both of us and we take turns on paying when we go out on dates.
Personally, I used to stress a lot about money and it affected how I acted towards my partner. But, struggling with money has inspired me to reach financial freedom.
I learned that managing your finances and making more money is the key to not stressing about it. Plus, stressing doesn’t help you unless you make a change.
6） 财务压力
有一项研究表明，在一段关系中，35%的压力是由财务状况造成的。这并不让我惊讶，因为对于任何没有管理能力的人来说，金钱都是一种压力源。
我可以诚实地说，我和我的伴侣仍然在一起的原因之一是因为我们很少为钱争吵。这可以减轻你的压力。
在大多数情况下，我和我的伴侣分别管理我们的财务。我们没有共同账户，双方都喜欢管理自己的资金。
我们将大部分账单分开，以确保没有人比另一个人支付更多，这对我们双方都有帮助，而且我们在约会时轮流支付。
就我个人而言，我过去经常强调金钱，这影响了我对伴侣的态度。但是，与金钱的斗争激励我实现财务自由。
我了解到，管理你的财务和赚更多的钱是避免压力的关键。此外，压力对你没有帮助，除非你做出改变。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
There’s a study that shows 35% of stress in a relationship is caused by finances. It doesn't surprise me because money is a stressor for anyone who can’t manage it.
I can honestly say one of the reasons why my partner and I are still together is because we rarely argue about money. This can save you tons of stress.
For the most part, my partner and I manage our finances separately. We don’t have a joint account and both prefer to manage our own money.
We split mostly all the bills to ensure no one is paying more than the other which helps both of us and we take turns on paying when we go out on dates.
Personally, I used to stress a lot about money and it affected how I acted towards my partner. But, struggling with money has inspired me to reach financial freedom.
I learned that managing your finances and making more money is the key to not stressing about it. Plus, stressing doesn’t help you unless you make a change.
6） 财务压力
有一项研究表明，在一段关系中，35%的压力是由财务状况造成的。这并不让我惊讶，因为对于任何没有管理能力的人来说，金钱都是一种压力源。
我可以诚实地说，我和我的伴侣仍然在一起的原因之一是因为我们很少为钱争吵。这可以减轻你的压力。
在大多数情况下，我和我的伴侣分别管理我们的财务。我们没有共同账户，双方都喜欢管理自己的资金。
我们将大部分账单分开，以确保没有人比另一个人支付更多，这对我们双方都有帮助，而且我们在约会时轮流支付。
就我个人而言，我过去经常强调金钱，这影响了我对伴侣的态度。但是，与金钱的斗争激励我实现财务自由。
我了解到，管理你的财务和赚更多的钱是避免压力的关键。此外，压力对你没有帮助，除非你做出改变。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
7)Not Doing New Things Together
I believe another reason we are still doing great together is because we plan new adventures and activities to do with each other. It’s a great way to bond.
I know I can always improve at being spontaneous but making sure we have a date day/night planned into our week is essential for our relationship.
We both enjoy doing new things and exploring new adventures so I do my best to make sure that we do new fun things together. I’m still improving though.
Watching your partner learn something new is both inspiring and fun. It’s a phenomenal way to add variety and spice to the relationship too.
One thing I learned is that not everything fun requires money. Go on a hike, picnic, take a walk together, go for a night drive or visit a free museum.
These little things will significantly improve your relationship.
7） 没有共同经历新的事情
我相信，我们仍然在一起做得很好的另一个原因是，我们计划了新的冒险和活动，以彼此合作。这是一种很好的结合方式。
我知道我总是能提高自发的能力，但确保我们每周都有一个约会的计划，这对我们的关系是至关重要的。
我们都喜欢做新的事情和探索新的冒险，所以我尽最大努力确保我们一起经历新的有趣的事情。不过我仍在进步。
看着你的伴侣学习新的东西既鼓舞人心又有趣。这也是一种为关系增添多样性和情趣的非凡方式。
我学到的一件事是，并不是所有的乐趣都需要钱：一起去远足、野餐、散步、夜间驾车或参观免费博物馆。
这些小事会大大改善你们的关系。
I believe another reason we are still doing great together is because we plan new adventures and activities to do with each other. It’s a great way to bond.
I know I can always improve at being spontaneous but making sure we have a date day/night planned into our week is essential for our relationship.
We both enjoy doing new things and exploring new adventures so I do my best to make sure that we do new fun things together. I’m still improving though.
Watching your partner learn something new is both inspiring and fun. It’s a phenomenal way to add variety and spice to the relationship too.
One thing I learned is that not everything fun requires money. Go on a hike, picnic, take a walk together, go for a night drive or visit a free museum.
These little things will significantly improve your relationship.
7） 没有共同经历新的事情
我相信，我们仍然在一起做得很好的另一个原因是，我们计划了新的冒险和活动，以彼此合作。这是一种很好的结合方式。
我知道我总是能提高自发的能力，但确保我们每周都有一个约会的计划，这对我们的关系是至关重要的。
我们都喜欢做新的事情和探索新的冒险，所以我尽最大努力确保我们一起经历新的有趣的事情。不过我仍在进步。
看着你的伴侣学习新的东西既鼓舞人心又有趣。这也是一种为关系增添多样性和情趣的非凡方式。
我学到的一件事是，并不是所有的乐趣都需要钱：一起去远足、野餐、散步、夜间驾车或参观免费博物馆。
这些小事会大大改善你们的关系。
8)You’re Not Willing To Grow or Change
We’ve all heard the saying “if a person loves you, they won’t try to change you” but I would have to disagree. What if your partners behaviors are toxic?
I believe that if your partner has toxic behaviors then as their partner it’s a part of your duty to help them grow especially if it impacts the relationship.
This goes both ways. If your partner is willing to change their behaviors to improve the relationship then you must be too. You both need to be 100% committed.
And, if you do want your partner to change something, you must communicate that in a loving and respectful way. This shows that you’re coming from a caring place.
I’m not saying try to change the way they speak, walk, dress or the things they’re passionate about because that’s not in your control.
But, if it’s something that’s hurting your feelings or putting your life or their life at risk, then it’s okay to say something.
If they aren’t willing to grow or change for the sake of the relationship or to meet your needs then consider therapy to work through it.
If that doesn’t work, you may have to go your separate ways which will be in best interest for the both of you as painful as it may be.
Conclusion
Relationships aren’t easy. They take time, energy, effort, commitment, discipline, and hard work. But, if it’s something you really want, apply these lessons to your relationship and it will take it to a whole new level.
8） 你不愿意成长或改变
我们都听过这样一句话：“如果一个人爱你，他们不会试图改变你”，但我不同意。如果你的伴侣的行为是有害的呢？
我相信，如果你的伴侣有不良行为，那么作为他们的伴侣，你有责任帮助他们成长，特别是当其不良行为影响到关系时。
这是双向的。如果你的伴侣愿意改变他们的行为以改善关系，那么你也必须这样做。你们都需要100%的投入。
而且，如果你确实想让你的伴侣改变一些事情，你必须用一种充满爱意和尊重的方式来沟通。这表明你的出发点是充满爱的。
我并不是说尝试改变他们说话、走路、穿着或他们热衷的事情的方式，因为这不是你能控制的。
但是，如果这件事伤害了你的感情，或者让你的生命或他们的生命处于危险之中，那么说点什么也没关系。
如果他们不愿意为了关系或满足你的需求而成长或改变，那么考虑通过治疗来解决问题。
如果这不起作用，你们可能不得不分道扬镳，这对你们双方都是最有利的，尽管可能会很痛苦。
结论
人际关系并不容易处理。他们需要时间、精力、努力、承诺、自律和努力。但是，如果这是你真正想要的，把这些教训应用到你的关系中，它会把你的关系带到一个全新的水平。
We’ve all heard the saying “if a person loves you, they won’t try to change you” but I would have to disagree. What if your partners behaviors are toxic?
I believe that if your partner has toxic behaviors then as their partner it’s a part of your duty to help them grow especially if it impacts the relationship.
This goes both ways. If your partner is willing to change their behaviors to improve the relationship then you must be too. You both need to be 100% committed.
And, if you do want your partner to change something, you must communicate that in a loving and respectful way. This shows that you’re coming from a caring place.
I’m not saying try to change the way they speak, walk, dress or the things they’re passionate about because that’s not in your control.
But, if it’s something that’s hurting your feelings or putting your life or their life at risk, then it’s okay to say something.
If they aren’t willing to grow or change for the sake of the relationship or to meet your needs then consider therapy to work through it.
If that doesn’t work, you may have to go your separate ways which will be in best interest for the both of you as painful as it may be.
Conclusion
Relationships aren’t easy. They take time, energy, effort, commitment, discipline, and hard work. But, if it’s something you really want, apply these lessons to your relationship and it will take it to a whole new level.
8） 你不愿意成长或改变
我们都听过这样一句话：“如果一个人爱你，他们不会试图改变你”，但我不同意。如果你的伴侣的行为是有害的呢？
我相信，如果你的伴侣有不良行为，那么作为他们的伴侣，你有责任帮助他们成长，特别是当其不良行为影响到关系时。
这是双向的。如果你的伴侣愿意改变他们的行为以改善关系，那么你也必须这样做。你们都需要100%的投入。
而且，如果你确实想让你的伴侣改变一些事情，你必须用一种充满爱意和尊重的方式来沟通。这表明你的出发点是充满爱的。
我并不是说尝试改变他们说话、走路、穿着或他们热衷的事情的方式，因为这不是你能控制的。
但是，如果这件事伤害了你的感情，或者让你的生命或他们的生命处于危险之中，那么说点什么也没关系。
如果他们不愿意为了关系或满足你的需求而成长或改变，那么考虑通过治疗来解决问题。
如果这不起作用，你们可能不得不分道扬镳，这对你们双方都是最有利的，尽管可能会很痛苦。
结论
人际关系并不容易处理。他们需要时间、精力、努力、承诺、自律和努力。但是，如果这是你真正想要的，把这些教训应用到你的关系中，它会把你的关系带到一个全新的水平。
Andrew Ferebee
I don’t have ten. But these are the seven habits that destroyed many my past relationships…
1 Allowing Boundaries to Be Violated
Plain and simple.
If you set a boundary and make it known (e.g. you state it explicitly) and then your partner violates it, you are unwittingly allowing for the long term deterioriation of your relationship.
For example, if you work from home and tell your partner, “From 10 am until 4 pm, I’m ‘at the office’. Please don’t interrupt me or distract me during this time unless it’s really urgent” and then your partner consistently barges into your office, stealing your productive time and preventing you from pursuing the professional success you desire…it is your duty to make it clear that a boundary has been violated.
Explicitly reiterate your boundary and tell them that under no circumstances are they to distract you with non-urgent matters (and state what those matters would be).
If you aren’t willing to have these types of hard conversations, you will eventually resent your partner and a break is all but inevitable.
我说不出十个，但下面这七个习惯摧毁了我过去的多段感情：
允许界限被打破
简单明了。
如果你设定了一个界限并将其公之于众（例如，你明确地陈述了这一界限），而你的伴侣却打破了这一界限，那么你就无意中允许你们的关系长期恶化下去。
例如，如果你在家工作，告诉你的伴侣，“从上午10点到下午4点，我‘在办公’。请不要在这段时间打断我，或者分散我的注意力，除非真的很紧急”，然后你的伴侣会一直冲进你的办公室，窃取你的生产时间，阻止你追求你想要的职业成功，你有责任清楚地表明，界限被侵犯了。
明确重申你的界限，并告诉他们，在任何情况下，他们都不要用非紧急事项来分散你的注意力（并说明这些事项是什么）。
如果你不愿意进行这种艰难的对话，你最终会怨恨你的伴侣，而分手几乎是不可避免的。
I don’t have ten. But these are the seven habits that destroyed many my past relationships…
1 Allowing Boundaries to Be Violated
Plain and simple.
If you set a boundary and make it known (e.g. you state it explicitly) and then your partner violates it, you are unwittingly allowing for the long term deterioriation of your relationship.
For example, if you work from home and tell your partner, “From 10 am until 4 pm, I’m ‘at the office’. Please don’t interrupt me or distract me during this time unless it’s really urgent” and then your partner consistently barges into your office, stealing your productive time and preventing you from pursuing the professional success you desire…it is your duty to make it clear that a boundary has been violated.
Explicitly reiterate your boundary and tell them that under no circumstances are they to distract you with non-urgent matters (and state what those matters would be).
If you aren’t willing to have these types of hard conversations, you will eventually resent your partner and a break is all but inevitable.
我说不出十个，但下面这七个习惯摧毁了我过去的多段感情：
允许界限被打破
简单明了。
如果你设定了一个界限并将其公之于众（例如，你明确地陈述了这一界限），而你的伴侣却打破了这一界限，那么你就无意中允许你们的关系长期恶化下去。
例如，如果你在家工作，告诉你的伴侣，“从上午10点到下午4点，我‘在办公’。请不要在这段时间打断我，或者分散我的注意力，除非真的很紧急”，然后你的伴侣会一直冲进你的办公室，窃取你的生产时间，阻止你追求你想要的职业成功，你有责任清楚地表明，界限被侵犯了。
明确重申你的界限，并告诉他们，在任何情况下，他们都不要用非紧急事项来分散你的注意力（并说明这些事项是什么）。
如果你不愿意进行这种艰难的对话，你最终会怨恨你的伴侣，而分手几乎是不可避免的。
2. Offering Unrequited Support, Especially Financial
You can and should support your partner. That’s your job, actually.
Whether it’s emotional support, physical support, or financial support, you should 100% do your best to empower your partner to live the life they want to live.
But when your support goes unacknowledged and is not returned, it’s a huge red flag.
During my last relationship, I would regularly give my partner several hundred dollars a month to pay for certain bills so she would have less stress and be able to go all in on her professional ambitions.
This support was rarely acknowledged and eventually, taken completely for granted until the relationship began to morph into a sugar daddy/baby relationship.
And as a result, it ended.
When your support is not reciprocated, you need to make it clear that 1) You feel used and unappreciated and 2) You will not continue to support that person unless they are willing to reciprocate that support (even if their support takes a different form than yours).
提供无回报的支持，尤其是经济上的
你可以也应该支持你的伴侣。实际上，这是你的工作。
无论是情感上的支持、身体上的支持还是经济上的支持，你都应该尽全力让你的伴侣过上他们想要的生活。
但当你的支持没有得到承认，也没有得到回报时，这是一个巨大的危险信号。
在我上一次恋爱期间，我会定期每月给我的伴侣几百美元去支付某些账单，这样她就可以减轻压力，并能够实现自己的职业抱负。
这种支持很少被承认，最终被完全视为理所当然，直到这段关系开始演变成一种“糖爹”/婴儿关系。
结果，它结束了。
当你的支持没有得到回报时，你需要明确表示：
1、你感到被利用和不被欣赏；
2、除非对方愿意对你的支持给予回报，否则你不会去继续支持对方（即使他们的支持形式与你的不同）。
You can and should support your partner. That’s your job, actually.
Whether it’s emotional support, physical support, or financial support, you should 100% do your best to empower your partner to live the life they want to live.
But when your support goes unacknowledged and is not returned, it’s a huge red flag.
During my last relationship, I would regularly give my partner several hundred dollars a month to pay for certain bills so she would have less stress and be able to go all in on her professional ambitions.
This support was rarely acknowledged and eventually, taken completely for granted until the relationship began to morph into a sugar daddy/baby relationship.
And as a result, it ended.
When your support is not reciprocated, you need to make it clear that 1) You feel used and unappreciated and 2) You will not continue to support that person unless they are willing to reciprocate that support (even if their support takes a different form than yours).
提供无回报的支持，尤其是经济上的
你可以也应该支持你的伴侣。实际上，这是你的工作。
无论是情感上的支持、身体上的支持还是经济上的支持，你都应该尽全力让你的伴侣过上他们想要的生活。
但当你的支持没有得到承认，也没有得到回报时，这是一个巨大的危险信号。
在我上一次恋爱期间，我会定期每月给我的伴侣几百美元去支付某些账单，这样她就可以减轻压力，并能够实现自己的职业抱负。
这种支持很少被承认，最终被完全视为理所当然，直到这段关系开始演变成一种“糖爹”/婴儿关系。
结果，它结束了。
当你的支持没有得到回报时，你需要明确表示：
1、你感到被利用和不被欣赏；
2、除非对方愿意对你的支持给予回报，否则你不会去继续支持对方（即使他们的支持形式与你的不同）。
3. Ineffective Communication
At the heart of almost all relationship problems lies ineffective communication.
Whether you aren’t communicating your needs, boundaries, emotions, insecurities doubts, etc, ineffective communication is the fastest and easiest way to burn a relationship to the ground.
For a relationship to last, you must commit yourself whole heartedly to telling the truth, all the time, without exception.
Even if the truth hurts.
4. Disparate Expectations
Another common pitfall in relationships is having disparate expectations.
Here’s what I mean…
You expect certain things from your partner as they expect certain things from you. But most couples never take the time to sit down and make their expectations explicitly known.
For example, if you agree that one person will shoulder the financial responsibilities of your partnership and the other will handle the administrative (e.g. keeping the house clean, paying the bills, buying groceries etc) but you do not make the extent of your expectations known…chances are, one partner will fail to meet the expectations of the other and resentment and anger will slowly fester until the relationship breaks.
无效的沟通
几乎所有关系问题的核心都在于无效的沟通。
无论你是否没有沟通你的需求、界限、情绪、不安全感、疑虑等，无效的沟通是搞砸一段关系最快、最简单的方式。
为了让一段关系持久，你必须全心全意地说真话，无论何时且无一例外。
即使真相伤人也如此。
预期差异
人际关系中的另一个常见陷阱是期望不同。
这是我的意思：
你期望你的伴侣做出某些事情，就像他们期望你做出某些事情一样。但大多数夫妻从来没有花时间坐下来明确表达他们的期望。
例如，如果你同意一个人将承担你合伙企业的财务责任，另一个人将处理行政事务（例如保持房屋清洁、支付账单、购买食品杂货等），但你没有告知你的期望范围，一方无法满足另一方的期望，关系会因怨恨和愤怒而慢慢恶化，直到关系破裂。
At the heart of almost all relationship problems lies ineffective communication.
Whether you aren’t communicating your needs, boundaries, emotions, insecurities doubts, etc, ineffective communication is the fastest and easiest way to burn a relationship to the ground.
For a relationship to last, you must commit yourself whole heartedly to telling the truth, all the time, without exception.
Even if the truth hurts.
4. Disparate Expectations
Another common pitfall in relationships is having disparate expectations.
Here’s what I mean…
You expect certain things from your partner as they expect certain things from you. But most couples never take the time to sit down and make their expectations explicitly known.
For example, if you agree that one person will shoulder the financial responsibilities of your partnership and the other will handle the administrative (e.g. keeping the house clean, paying the bills, buying groceries etc) but you do not make the extent of your expectations known…chances are, one partner will fail to meet the expectations of the other and resentment and anger will slowly fester until the relationship breaks.
无效的沟通
几乎所有关系问题的核心都在于无效的沟通。
无论你是否没有沟通你的需求、界限、情绪、不安全感、疑虑等，无效的沟通是搞砸一段关系最快、最简单的方式。
为了让一段关系持久，你必须全心全意地说真话，无论何时且无一例外。
即使真相伤人也如此。
预期差异
人际关系中的另一个常见陷阱是期望不同。
这是我的意思：
你期望你的伴侣做出某些事情，就像他们期望你做出某些事情一样。但大多数夫妻从来没有花时间坐下来明确表达他们的期望。
例如，如果你同意一个人将承担你合伙企业的财务责任，另一个人将处理行政事务（例如保持房屋清洁、支付账单、购买食品杂货等），但你没有告知你的期望范围，一方无法满足另一方的期望，关系会因怨恨和愤怒而慢慢恶化，直到关系破裂。
5. Emotional Codependence
Say it with me…
“I am not responsible for my partner’s emotions.”
Period.
You may influence your partner’s emotional state, but it is not your responsibility.
You have made a reasonable request and stated an understandable need. And if they can’t handle this, that’s on them.
It’s not your responsibility to stay home and assuage their insecurity.
It’s their responsibility to grow up and realize that you are another human being with your own life, your own friends, and your own needs.
情感相互依赖
和我一起说：“我不需要为我伴侣的情绪负责。”
至此：你可能会影响伴侣的情绪状态，但这不是你的责任。
你提出了合理的要求，并提出了可以理解的需求。如果他们不能处理这件事，那就由他们来承担。
呆在家里缓解他们的不安全感不是你的责任。
他们有责任长大并认识到你是另一个人，有自己的生活、朋友和自己的需求。
Say it with me…
“I am not responsible for my partner’s emotions.”
Period.
You may influence your partner’s emotional state, but it is not your responsibility.
You have made a reasonable request and stated an understandable need. And if they can’t handle this, that’s on them.
It’s not your responsibility to stay home and assuage their insecurity.
It’s their responsibility to grow up and realize that you are another human being with your own life, your own friends, and your own needs.
情感相互依赖
和我一起说：“我不需要为我伴侣的情绪负责。”
至此：你可能会影响伴侣的情绪状态，但这不是你的责任。
你提出了合理的要求，并提出了可以理解的需求。如果他们不能处理这件事，那就由他们来承担。
呆在家里缓解他们的不安全感不是你的责任。
他们有责任长大并认识到你是另一个人，有自己的生活、朋友和自己的需求。
6. Failing to Prioritize Yourself
“If I don’t love me, who will?”
Too often, it’s easy to make your partner the center of your world.
To abandon your old friends, passions, and hobbies to make them happy.
But this will always, without exception, spell the death of your relationship.
For a relationship to last, you must prioritize yourself and your own needs.
Whether this means having alone time every morning to read, workout, and journal. Or going out with your own friends a few times a week, you MUST prioritize and take care of yourself.
If you don’t, you will slowly start to resent the person you’re with and see them as the cause of your anxiety, unhappiness, and misery.
未能确定自己的优先级
“如果我不爱我，谁会爱我？”
很多时候，你很容易让你的伴侣成为你世界的中心。
抛弃你的老朋友、激情和爱好，让他们快乐。
但毫无例外，这总是会导致你们关系的终结。
为了维持一段关系，你必须优先考虑自己和自己的需求。
这是否意味着每天早上都有单独的时间阅读、锻炼和记录。或者每周和自己的朋友出去几次，你必须优先考虑并照顾好自己。
如果你不这样做，你会慢慢开始怨恨那个和你在一起的人，并将他们视为导致你焦虑、不快乐和痛苦的原因。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
“If I don’t love me, who will?”
Too often, it’s easy to make your partner the center of your world.
To abandon your old friends, passions, and hobbies to make them happy.
But this will always, without exception, spell the death of your relationship.
For a relationship to last, you must prioritize yourself and your own needs.
Whether this means having alone time every morning to read, workout, and journal. Or going out with your own friends a few times a week, you MUST prioritize and take care of yourself.
If you don’t, you will slowly start to resent the person you’re with and see them as the cause of your anxiety, unhappiness, and misery.
未能确定自己的优先级
“如果我不爱我，谁会爱我？”
很多时候，你很容易让你的伴侣成为你世界的中心。
抛弃你的老朋友、激情和爱好，让他们快乐。
但毫无例外，这总是会导致你们关系的终结。
为了维持一段关系，你必须优先考虑自己和自己的需求。
这是否意味着每天早上都有单独的时间阅读、锻炼和记录。或者每周和自己的朋友出去几次，你必须优先考虑并照顾好自己。
如果你不这样做，你会慢慢开始怨恨那个和你在一起的人，并将他们视为导致你焦虑、不快乐和痛苦的原因。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
7. Picking the Wrong Partner
The #1 reason relationships fail is because you were blinded by beauty/lust and failed to realize that the person you’re with is a bad match for your life.
“Love” is great. But it isn’t enough.
For a relationship to last you and your partner must have shared values, a shared vision, and complimentary character traits.
Without these things, you will fail..
When you spend time on the front end filtering out bad partners, getting clear on what you need from your lover, and making sure the person you’re with is right for you…everything becomes easier later on.
Hope this helps.
选择错误的伴侣
人际关系失败的第一个原因是你被美丽/欲望蒙蔽了双眼，没有意识到和你在一起的人与你的生活不匹配。
“爱”是伟大的，但这还不够。
为了让你和你的伴侣保持长久的关系，你必须拥有共同的价值观、共同的愿景和互补的性格特征。
没有这些东西，你们的关系就会失败。
当你花时间在前端过滤掉坏伴侣，明确你需要从爱人那里得到什么，并确保和你在一起的人是适合你的，以后一切都会变得容易。
希望这有帮助。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
The #1 reason relationships fail is because you were blinded by beauty/lust and failed to realize that the person you’re with is a bad match for your life.
“Love” is great. But it isn’t enough.
For a relationship to last you and your partner must have shared values, a shared vision, and complimentary character traits.
Without these things, you will fail..
When you spend time on the front end filtering out bad partners, getting clear on what you need from your lover, and making sure the person you’re with is right for you…everything becomes easier later on.
Hope this helps.
选择错误的伴侣
人际关系失败的第一个原因是你被美丽/欲望蒙蔽了双眼，没有意识到和你在一起的人与你的生活不匹配。
“爱”是伟大的，但这还不够。
为了让你和你的伴侣保持长久的关系，你必须拥有共同的价值观、共同的愿景和互补的性格特征。
没有这些东西，你们的关系就会失败。
当你花时间在前端过滤掉坏伴侣，明确你需要从爱人那里得到什么，并确保和你在一起的人是适合你的，以后一切都会变得容易。
希望这有帮助。
原创翻译：龙腾网 https://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处
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